Nana Renanalogies

Life Lessons Learned In A Garden, Introduction

2011-05-19T07:50:00.002-05:00

I figured out many years ago why ALL babies LOVE to be outside. I believe they can HEAR all things praising God. The wind, the grass, the trees, the birds and bees...for surely, those things must praise Him continually.

But I'm still learning how He can speak to our hearts, calm our minds and invigorate our spirits, all while we are in awkward, spine-bending positions in the garden. My usual pose is bent in half, feet apart for balance while I pluck and pick and trim with both hands -- working as fast as I can before I lose consciousness due to the rush of blood to my head. I typically call this "standing on my head". I'd get on my knees, but that requires the assistance of one to two others to get me up again...just not practical.

The last few days as chaos and turmoil raged in my life and this person or that sought to belittle, malign and otherwise torture me -- the peace and calm of Christ was just outside my door. He's given me such comfort and direction that I find myself longing to be out there more and more each day. Some of the "seedlings" He has planted in my head are too good to keep to myself. So -- like an envelope of seeds from my Touch-me-nots or a teeny little Mother-in-law Tongue divided into a brand new pot -- I'm always willing to share.

So, check back often to see what's "growing" now. And to my Facebook friends -- if I'm being lazy, prompt me to sit down and write. Right now, I'm back outside until the grandbabies start getting dropped off. ;-)

Let it go.

2011-03-01T00:32:00.002-06:00

You tortured and abused me as a child...that much you've bragged about to me.

You set me up and threw me under the bus as an adolescent....the more time goes on the more I realize just how MUCH you did this.

And you've slandered and maligned me in the 30+ years I've been an adult....and for no reason.

Aren't you TIRED yet...?

Same Old, Same Old....

2010-07-22T05:25:00.000-05:00

Same Old, Same Old -- I still need prayers for wisdom...

...the battle with my sister rages on, altho' it becomes more and more one-sided because I find I just don't really care any more. The void in my heart is just filling with cobwebs.

Regenia was recently admitted to the Heart Institute where tests determined she needed gall bladder surgery. I sent out a prayer request and a "friend" (NIT) of hers who's been forwarding me emails for years and had friended me on Facebook emailed to ask me questions.

I gave her the little I knew -- which wasn't much. And told her that all my info was second or third hand because Regenia won't speak to me. She seemed surprised by that and proceeded to act concerned as if she might be able to help or at least commiserate, because of her own problems with her sibling.

As the emails went back and forth, I wondered if she didn't "know" more about our situation than she let on, because she was offering insights she would have had to have extensive foreknowledge of mine and Regenia's relationship. It briefly crossed my mind that she might be setting me up. She did, after all, forward me some of Regenia's emails and tell me to deny where they came from -- so, if she would betray her "Reggie", would she.....

nah, I like to give people the benefit of the doubt....

But still, SOMEONE is feeding Regenia photos off my account which she then passes off as her own, could it be....

No, I choose to believe in the basic good of people, so I trudged on a few more days, as always, desperate for any help, prayers, support or insights that might help heal the rift in our relationship.

Then on Monday I made mention of something Regenia said on my daughter's birthday and within a couple of hours, Regenia messaged Gennie with a retraction of her comment which was VERBATIM what I had told her "friend".

I emailed the friend (NIT) of my suspicion, that she was IN FACT the one (or one of the ones) spying on me and reporting back to Regenia (which -- ironically, is the same reason Regenia gave for deleting several dozen of our friends and family from her Friends list when she deleted me!). I tho't NIT would either confirm or deny my suspicions. Instead, she sidestepped them entirely and sent me a cute story about her grandmother's "magic fairy dust" (a.k.a. baby powder) making everything all better and proceeded to replicate it by filling her email with lovely lavender asterisks!!

I felt terribly let down...here I've played into Regenia and her scheming devices yet again. It was like the emails from her "shrink" years ago all over again. I don't have time for games or people who play them. I have a full life and have wasted too much precious time on this lost cause, which I try every day to put in God's Hands. So, I went against my usual forgiving nature and I un friended NIT as well as blocked her email address...after I double-checked her birth year one more time just to be sure she wasn't just chronologically immature.

She, too, contacted Gennie, trying to perpetuate the squabble. My kid is both too smart and too unemotionally attached to the situation to play along. So, NIT went viral. This was posted on my nearly dead blog today on a post from last year.......

From: noreply-comment@blogger.comTo: renan2368@aol.comSent: 7/21/2010 10:29:53 P.M. Central Daylight TimeSubj: [Nana Renanalogies] New comment on Happy Birthday, Regenia!!!.
nobodyintexas has left a new comment on your post "Happy Birthday, Regenia!!!": Nana Renan has some deep psychological problems, most of them are self inflicted.She needs to climb down off her soapbox and try to be more Christ-like instead of being a back biting creature, which she so enjoys. Posted by nobodyintexas to Nana Renanalogies at July 21, 2010 10:29 PM
A year ago, even six months ago....this would have upset me terribly. I would have ended up shaking and crying and probably running for my heart meds. Tonight, (or rather this morning!) I'm just kind of numb to it all. It still makes me sad. But I find there is nothing left for me to do but put it in God's Hands AND LEAVE IT THERE.

So....IF there is anyone out there who still reads my blog...and I doubt it...

Please pray for me that I can move past this. I'm tired of being so consumed by trying all on my own to fix something.

Pray for me to remember that God has blessed me with so many beautiful people in my life who DO love me and DO want my company and DO enjoy spending time with me that there is no need to miss out on a second of that while I cry over what could have been with someone who has despised me since the day I was born and spends an inordinate amount of time trying to cause me grief and pain.

Good and Faithful Servants: Do you GET IT yet?

2010-01-07T09:09:00.003-06:00

Everybody who knows me knows I repeat myself. OFTEN!! And if I find a quote or Scripture they will hear it over and over. So, if you've heard these from me before, it won't hurt to pay attention because I'm about to tie two of my favorites together.

A couple of years ago I heard a new one that really made me sit up and take notice. Sylvia Clemons was teaching a seminar and said...

"God is not interested in rescuing you from your SITUATIONS.

He is interested in developing your CHARACTER.

Sometimes He will leave you IN your situation

UNTIL your character starts to develop."

Now, I liked this immediately, because it sort of backs up something I learned years ago when I seemed to be stuck in limbo for a long time. I cried out one day, 'Lord, I KNOW you are trying to TEACH me something here, but I'm not getting it. Please help me to LEARN this lesson so we can turn the page!! I know the next lesson might be hard, too, but at least it will be a change of scenery!!"

When Sloane is trying to master a lesson in her schoolwork, I often hear, "But I don't get it!!?!!" Its become a little bit like fingernails on a chalkboard, but you know what...? I've lived it. Maybe book lessons in school weren't that hard, but life lessons -- WHEW!!!! They can make all of us whine...

"BUT I DON'T GET IT!!?!!!!"

Now, my heart has been heavy the last several weeks, in spite of the holidays. Many close friends and family members are going through some unimaginably difficult trials and all I can do is watch and pray. I know that they are right where "I" was -- stuck on a lesson. We've all been there where we "just didn't GET IT!"

So, okay, I'm driving along and praying this morning, "Okay, Lord, I'm sure you are waiting on ME and _____ and _____ and _______ and all the rest of those people to DEVELOP SOME CHARACTER. How do we go about that? How do we know where to start?

In a blink, I was back on a pew in Midland listening to Pastor Johnny Grissom. Another quote my friends and family have heard a hundred times from me... In a nutshell, he said that we are all striving toward the same goal. On that day we stand before our Judge and Maker we want to hear Him say "Well done, my good and faithful servant." Pastor Grissom said,

"Its no small thing that those are the attributes

He names because GOODNESS, and FAITHFULNESS,

and SERVITUDE are what He values most in us."

Today, as I did in that service years ago, I went "WOW!" and then I began to check off that list, just to see if I could "GET IT".

GOODNESS: I understand goodness. Its something I can strive for daily. Treat people well. Do right not wrong. Not so sound trite, but the WWJD philosophy helps with "getting" this.
GOODNESS: I "get it".

FAITHFULNESS: Again, pretty obvious! Am I being faithful?

Faithful to attend His house to worship Him...?
Faithful to pray and study His Word...?
Faithful in giving....? ...not because He NEEDS my little portion, but because He needs me to be willing to trust Him to take care of me on what is left over!!
Faithful to LOVE Him....? ...and the Word says if I LOVE Him, I will keep His commandments -- the greatest being to love others as I love myself!!!

FAITHFULNESS: I "get it".

SERVITUDE: Am I being a servant? Now that's a word that puts us humans on the defensive quickly. We've attached a lot of negative baggage to it and I think it just goes against our carnal nature to want to SERVE others. Ergo, that must be WHY He values it in us, because to truly become a servant we HAVE TO overcome our flesh!!! (How many of you are lazy!!?! Go ahead, raise your hands!!! OUR hands!!)

Do I serve God in some way each and every day? Seeking to please Him...?
Do I serve my family? are my husband and children priority? Parents? Siblings?
How about my neighbors...? Co-workers? etc., etc. There are literally thousands of opportunities to SERVE mankind...you can travel around the world to be a missionary or you can just spit your gum in the trash and not throw it on the ground!!! ///You KNOW who you are!! ;-) \\\ Mother Teresa said, "We can all do small things greatly."
Do I serve my church family? Again, you don't have to conduct worship services or teach Sunday school -- if that's not your calling, don't worry, He has someone for those jobs. Just pick up after yourself. Be courteous and friendly to saints and visitors alike. Most importantly SHOW UP -- that refers back to FAITHFULNESS!!!!

SERVITUDE: I think I "GET IT".

Wow -- if I run that check list DAILY, I can see room for improvement. Time to get busy working on that character, so I can walk out of THIS situation and into whatever God has in store for me next.

So the next time you're tempted to whine "But I just don't get it?" Stop and check -- see what you can be doing to develop yourself into what He wants so you CAN 'get it'. If you're not applying yourself there, you don't have the right to complain.

Fight or Flight? or "Why You Can Run, But You Can't Hide"...

2009-09-17T21:44:00.006-05:00

Fight or Flight? Ever heard of it? Evolutionists would tell us it's what's kept the various and assorted species alive. A core tenet of the "survival of the fittest" theory. Of course, I don't have to tell you -- I can see it, but I believe our Creator put it in us, not happenstance.

Its part of that whole set of "instinct" that we've all experienced at one time or another -- I believe "instinct" and "Mother's intuition" is just God or His angels, whispering in our ear -- warning us "RUN!" Clearly it is often vital to our physical survival.

But I'm here to write about the spiritual. Where fight or flight is a completely different ball game.

We've all experienced the urge to RUN, spiritually. Or, in some cases Drop and Play Dead.

Spiritual battles are wearying at best and exhausting, painful, frightening at worst. The temptation to run is sometimes overpowering. But at what cost...?

I've run. More than once and sometimes for years at a time. Have you ever ran? Are you running NOW????

If you are, go look in the mirror and ask yourself..."Am I truly happier RUNNING than I would be standing my ground and fighting??" Be honest when you answer.

You and I both already KNOW the answer.

Sure, there is some fun to be had out there -- a few laughs here and there. But it is a vapor -- gone in an instant. And the memory of it almost as fleeting. But regrets are for LIFE.

My WORST day serving God is better than my BEST day RUNNING.

Psalm 84:10 says:
For a day in thy courts [is] better than a thousand. I had rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God, than to dwell in the tents of wickedness.

Isn't it time you stop running?

by Mary Crowe

2009-09-12T10:33:00.002-05:00

(Note from Pam: I don't know who Mary Crowe is, Google turned up nothing for me. And I don't know where I found this, but I scribbled it down in some notebook ages ago and ran across it today. It is beautifully and humbly written and I hope that it touches you like it touched me.)

Good Morning, God!!

Thank You for the night's rest and for this new day. Will You accompany me as I go on my way, thinking through my mind, speaking through my lips, living in my heart, guiding my feet in the paths You wish me to follow?

Bless me with robust health and the physical strength to carry my share of the world's load. Give me a clear knowledge of what is right and the courage to stand steadfastly by my convictions. Make my will strong, but let my voice and my touch be gentle. Teach me to be patient and to be kind.

Grant me the wisdom to guide only to their greatest good those to whom I offer counsel or care. Make me so scrupulously honest that the slightest trust will not be misplaced if placed in me.

Keep me attuned to Your Presence in me. Allow me, in my life and work, to so reflect the Light of Your Divine Radiance that all whose lives are touched b y mine may be enriched by it.

Thank You, Lord, for endowing me with the talents, skills and the opportunities to earn everything I need, plus something to share with those less fortunate than I.

My Dirty Little Habit

2009-08-17T11:16:00.002-05:00

Okay -- sorry for the overly dramatic title. :-)

It's not a 'secret'. I'm 'addicted' to Hatchlings. For the uninformed -- it's a fun little app on Facebook that lets you hunt for amazingly clever and artistically intriguing "Easter Eggs". Some of them hatch into pets, many don't. Over two million people play -- so I have lots of 'company'.

Now to a lot of people it seems like a 'waste of time'. But, it's MY "preferred" waste of time. We ALL waste time at one time or another. How many hands of Solitaire or rounds of Tetris have you played while sitting on hold on the phone? .... waiting for your husband or kids to finish getting ready to walk out the door? .... waiting for the oven timer to let you know dinner is ready? Don't deny it. Your time wasting may not occur on the computer -- it may involve a remote control and a recliner or a telephone or some other device....maybe even just a pencil and a Sudoku pad. But we ALL do it.

And I think it serves a purpose. For a few minutes (or hours!) it lets a different part of our brain function, thereby giving the part that keeps us moving through our day and dealing with our stuff a much needed rest. So never sneer at what someone else finds relaxing. We all complain about STRESS, but then look down at how someone chooses to DEstress. That can't be right!

But back to my Hatchlings -- There are several "ways" to play:

You can just find as many as you possibly can -- there are stats from around the world and incredibly high numbers...so evidently some people have blinding fast computers or no life outside of Facebook -- or both! Every three months the game resets and everyone starts out with a ZERO. Over night some people will have found thousands of eggs. I'm not THAT into it.
You can collect the whole set. See, some eggs are "common" and don't count towards the total number of SPECIAL eggs. Currently there are about 290 of these "Special" eggs. New ones are released intermittently. Some get retired and can only be "bought" from the Warehouse. Its fun to watch your numbers grow: 21% - 43% - 77% - 100%!!!!!
My FAVORITE part is 'gifting'. If I find a special egg I already have, then I have the option to share it with someone who doesn't have that one. This is the very BEST part of Hatchlings for me. Unfortunately, Facebook will limit the number of gifts you can give in a day -- and when I run out, I lose interest in the game until the next day. BUT, maybe that's a GOOD thing. Or else I'd be here all day and all night until EVERYONE has ALL of the eggs. LOL

I think I got a double dose of SHARING. I'm not sure if its just 'personality' or birth order. I'm my mother's second "only" child....and grew up alone most of the time. I was always SO happy just to have someone to come and play with me, that it never occurred to me to be stingy and not share whatever I had. And I'm STILL that way. If something makes me happy, I want to share it.

"Like my punch? Let me give you the recipe."

"Ever eaten at Gringo's? It's amazing, lets go! MY TREAT!!"

"These flowers are pretty AND easy to grow. Here take this little pot I just started."

"Yes, I scrapbook, too! Come over sometime and we'll hang out in my Studio."

"You've never been on a cruise? We're going back to Alaska, come go with us!"

Its something of a compulsion with me. I can't help myself. And, to be honest, I don't really TRY. Because I try to be the same way about sharing my Jesus with people, too. So any GOOD THING that comes into my life, its gonna get shared!

Happy Birthday, Regenia!!!

2009-07-30T19:59:00.002-05:00

58 years ago today, an event occurred that always has and always will impact my life. My mother gave birth to my big sister, Regenia. Just shy of her 11th birthday, she became just that -- My Big Sister.

As the youngest of two, I don't have any childhood memories that don't involve her presence or influence. She was always the yardstick I tried to measure up to. Most of the time I failed miserably. She had smarts I couldn't touch academically. She knew way more people than I did, with a memory like an elephant. Artistic talents that I couldn't begin to copy. Amazing technical architectural skills.

In other words, as older siblings go, she set the bar pretty darn high. There's an old saying, "Reach for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars." or something to that affect. I guess even though I can't begin to attain any of her levels in any realm, I'm a much better person because I've tried so hard to emulate her.

My parents were both close to the end of their respective line of siblings and I was sort of a mid-life baby...so all of my cousins were my sister's age. I used to try whatever tactics I could employ to sit in on their games and conversations -- learning all that I could about their world and employing the "fake-it-til-you-make-it" method of fitting in. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. Most of the time she was surprisingly patient with it, sometimes she wasn't. Still, it helped me not be intimidated by people who are smarter, wiser, wealthier and more talented than I...I just pretend I'm trying to hone in on a game of Monopoly with Regenia, Butch and Sue!

I guess it's one of those weird aspects of family dynamics that I've spent my whole life trying to get notice and approval from my sister. She's probably blissfully unaware of what an awesome impact and inspiration she's been in my life and how often she is in my tho'ts and prayers. But tho' time and distance has kept us apart all of my adult life, she will, forevermore, be My Big Sister.

I wish her the Happiest of Birthdays and a Wonderful Year to come!

The War May Rage, But I'm Not Fighting It Anymore

2009-06-26T09:58:00.003-05:00

Wow -- looking back at my last post, I realize how tumultuous the last few months have been. It seems every month a new battle breaks out. People push and pull - straining your patience, twist and corrupt your words and generally just feel free to verbally abuse you.

Now, for those who don't know me, my mother would tell you that I will argue with a fence post. LOL I'm not quite THAT bad, but I will keep at the argument -- not necessarily to win it, but just to make sure you are not looking at it from just one angle. My primary goal is to get it across to my "opponent" that there are varying perspectives and rarely is there only ONE reality.

My husband is fond of saying "Each person's perception IS their reality."

That's fine. I get it. Just don't deny me the right to my OWN reality. We can agree to disagree.

Anyhow, each one of these Battle Royales has gotten closer and closer to my heart. People I love and care about. And it hurts.

Unfortunately I have two fatal flaws....(1) I don't keep my HURT to myself, but allow it to spill over (or sometimes just splash it around on my own!) into other places in my life. And (2) I need to hand the battle off to the Lord immediately, instead of wrangling with it and bungling things up trying to fix it myself.

I need to stop and recognize that it truly isn't "flesh and blood, but powers and principalities" that we wrestle with, so therefore, I am ill-equipped to deal with it in a mortal manner. I have to give it over to God.

I've come to realize you can't control what people think about you, say about you or feel about you. You can only live your life to your best ability and seek to be Christ-like in all you do. Then when the false accusations come, you can sleep at night knowing your Maker knows the truth.

Here's how its gonna be from now on:

When I hear someone has said something untrue or unkind about me, I will just take them to the Lord in prayer.
Given the opportunity, I will ask for forgiveness, whether or not I think I have done anything that needs forgiving.
I will refrain from telling and retelling the details to everyone I know, seeking sympathy or validation.
I will not let pride lead me to retaliation.
I will just LET GO and LET GOD.

I am reminded that Jesus was talked about, scorned, ridiculed and maligned. In fact, there are people who do that to this day!! So, who am I to think I should be spared from slander and libel...? I will just keep making sure that I am lining up with Him and let Him fight the battles for me.

Why Do I Have To Care SOOOOO Much?

2009-05-14T08:30:00.004-05:00

Today I was catching up on my Facebook friends and I noticed a quote Bro. Matt Maddix has saved on his page.

"Never explain yourself.

Your friends don't need it

and your enemies won't believe it."

Wow. I must've heard that from my husband several hundred times over the last 30 years. (Okay, 29 years, 10 months and 21 days, but who's counting!) His version goes like this....usually following some subterfuge revealed or a direct and public personal attack....

"Honey, let it go.

People who know and love you

know you aren't like that.

And it doesn't matter what people

who don't love you think."

**sigh**

I 'know' in my heart he is right. What I don't know is WHY it hurts so bad? Is it maybe a particular device the enemy uses against me -- because I have a tender heart? I don't know.

Typically I think of myself as a very strong, resilient and flexible person. While I don't think I've had all that much real Job-like suffering in my life, I have had my share of firebrands launched at my head and knives plunged into my back.

I've also suffered greatly from the lies that other people have told -- some of the lies being older than "I" am!! So I made up my mind a long time ago to operate only in honesty. I strive for it in everything I do.

I am an open book. Too open, sometimes, for my family's tastes, but it's where I need to live at. I don't want someone coming along years after the fact telling my children or grandchildren lies about me that will torment them the rest of their lives. So I need plenty of witnesses around to say, "No, you're not dreaming or misremembering--that's what really happened."

I stand and own everything I say. I love words and consciously try to choose my words carefully in every exchange -- verbal or in text. I also actively work to NOT talk bad about people behind their backs. But, on occasion I have failed at that and been confronted later. I have to own it. Oh, sure, the stinkin' REPLY ALL button might have played a role in me being 'found out', but ultimately "I" am the one who chose to run my mouth. At that point all I can do is stand flat footed, knees locked and confess, "Yes. I said it. And I shouldn't have." Or maybe, unpleasant as it may be, it was something that NEEDED to be said and I have to stand by that conviction even if it means putting a relationship in jeopardy.

I'm never sneaky, underhanded or intentionally vague. You always know exactly where you stand with me. If I have something to say, I will say it. I will not leave a trail of obtuse comments or quotes in hopes you might pick up on my 'meaning'. No. If there is any MEANING, trust me, I won't hesitate to state it.

I never, ever!, hold grudges. I know that without forgiveness I cannot enter Heaven. I try to give everybody the benefit of the doubt...that they are attacking out of pain, hurt, fear or loneliness. There isn't room in my heart -- if it is full of Christ -- for any bitterness to languish.

I never give up on a friend. Time, distance, or disagreements may temporarily hinder friendships from progressing. But in my mind, they are never written off. Sure, there are people in my past that have hurt me or who seem to try to avoid me or just outright rejected me. But that doesn't mean I have stopped loving them. There isn't even one single, solitary person I can think of who I wouldn't wrap up in a big old hug if they rang my doorbell. If I loved you once, I can love you again, if only you will give me the chance.

A long time ago I heard comedian Sinbad make a statement that spoke to my heart. He said his goal was to live his life in such a manner that NO ONE could ever come and stand over his grave and honestly say, "That guy did me wrong."

With maturity, I have finally come to accept that I can't make everyone like me. So, there may be many who could read my obit and say, "Y'know, I never really cared for her much." But I don't want there to be anyone who will say that I was mean or cruel or hurtful to them in any way, intentionally or inadvertently. If you have a beef with me, bring it out into the open and give me a chance to rectify it.

I promise we will BOTH feel better for the effort, even if in actuality, nothing in the future changes. Until then -- those instances that I am aware of, I will just keep grieving over and praying about and asking God to handle, because I can't fix them and I can't bear the pain alone.

"Honey Turn Your 6 Beam On"

2009-03-05T16:48:00.007-06:00

This story has come up several times in the last couple of weeks -- guess it just needs to be told.

All things considered, my family was inordinately blessed during Hurricane Ike. We were all able to gather here at our house and we good-naturedly "hunkered down" and rode out the storm -- everyone "first-timers" in a hurricane except for me! -- like coastal natives.

When daylight broke the morning after we quickly assessed our damage was VERY superficial -- some shingles gone off of the new tool shed and a few sections of wood fencing downed. Most of our immediate neighbors fared pretty well but a few had considerable damage. When we finally emerged from our neighborhood we saw the damage was catastrophic in places and right next door or across the street NOTHING. That is the fickleness of extreme weather.

The unifying factor at THAT point was the absence of electricity! We'd finally lost power in the wee hours of Saturday, September 12 during 110 mph sustained winds. Mercifully the weather changed and within 24 hours of the end of the storm, a cool front came through and made life without air-conditioning much more tolerable.

Since everyone was in the same boat -- no power meant fridges and freezers of food warming up rapidly AND no power to SEE to cook and in some cases, no stove to cook on -- the neighborhood took on a block party atmosphere. About every fourth or fifth driveway would have a gathering of neighbors centered around a grill. We were no different. Except that I did a lot of our cooking inside on the stove. It was just more convenient (and thank goodness for GAS RANGES!). In fact, with a lighter to get it going, the only problem was getting adequate task-lighting.

Here is where we realized how USELESS pillar candles are. They're pretty and some smell great, but they are worthless when it comes to putting out light! Tea lights aren't much better -- plus, they're gone in a hurry. MENTAL NOTE TO SELF: Stock up on tapers NOW!

The bathrooms were also a little scary -- even if you were brave enough to leave the door open -- there wasn't much light penetrating that deep into the house.

One person, my son-in-law, Dominic, was undaunted by the lack of light, thanks to his trusty "six-beam" as he called it. A gadget intended for hunters, but also helpful to do-it-yourselfers, where six POWERFUL but tiny halogen bulbs are clustered together and attached to an elastic headband so your hands are free to tend to business. And when I say POWERFUL, I am NOT exaggerating. If you happened to be looking at him you'd be painfully blinded in a hurry if he forgot to flip it upwards.

On Monday night, the day before we got our power back, we'd waited a little too late to start cooking dinner and we were really struggling in the dark. By the time we got it all done and out to the open-air dining room, formerly called a driveway, we were exhausted. As everyone is fixing their plates I spotted Dom whizzing right through the line with his 6-beam on -- pausing now and then to shed some light on someone who was struggling to see their plate.

Sitting at a table with Mike and our neighbor, Rene, I said, "Honey, we need to get you one of those...", gesturing toward Dom and his very useful toy.

I was stunned when he replied, "Oh, I already have one!"

This was news to ME! "You DO.....?" He nodded. I continued, "Well where is it?"

"The kids gave it to me for Christmas last year. It's in my toolbox," he explained as if I was a little child.

Ok -- now I'm not as sharp as I used to be and that a cool gift like that managed to squeak by under my radar was not a big surprise. But, given the circumstances, I was curious why I had yet to see it.

With my mouth hung open while I searched for words, he anticipated the next question and offered up his explanation for why it was in the toolbox....STILL...."I'm saving it for an emergency", he said matter-of-factly.

I can't imagine what my face must've looked like, because it seemed to me that people reacted to THAT even before it registered what he had said. Incredulous, I HAD to go there.....

"WHAT, pray tell...", I asked, gesturing with both arms in all directions to a landscape littered with shingles, insulation, broken trees, downed street signs and utter darkness in all directions save for the flickers from gas grills and citronella candles....."kind of an emergency are you anticipating BIGGER than this?"

That got him. Even he had to snicker at the ridiculousness of the situation!! Oh, he TRIED to save face, but there was no back-pedaling out of this one. It was one of the most hilarious and memorable events of the whole Ike Experience.

And -- it lives on and on and on and on....

A few days ago Rene texted me from next door: "Do you have an egg I can borrow?" she asked.

I replied, "I do, BUT ..... I'm saving it for an emergency!"

;-) Our great-grandchildren will be using that line!

Sorta makes you wonder. What special "gift" or talent or wisdom are YOU holding back because you think there will be a better time and place to maximize it...? When someone may desperately NEED it -- right now!

Mentally pull your "6-beams" out and keep them handy...let the Lord show you when and where they are needed. After all, He is the Source of every good and perfect thing AS WELL AS the Replenisher.

got Floss?

2009-03-03T08:15:00.002-06:00

For the last few years I've suggested to Mike that we buy all the kids a SonicCare toothbrush for Christmas. They're young adluts. They're busy. They may or may not have dental insurance and even if they do that doesn't mean they're maximizing that option. But they DO still brush daily, so a great tool like that would be well worth the investment! It just didn't register on his "great-gifts-they'll-enjoy-getting" meter so it didn't happen. Until this past year when I just made a co-executive decision and DID it!!And they DID love it!

Now -- the big question is "Why didn't I buy one for US!!?!"

We both take pretty good care of our teeth -- regular check-ups and maintenance for all the years we've been blessed with great dental insurance. I reached adulthood with no cavities -- despite only seeing a dentist once or twice as a kid -- but a less than "perfect" smile and minus a few teeth the Good Lord saw fit to leave out of my mouth. Mike's smile looked like he'd had excellent orthodontics, but it was natural -- however, there were fillings and crowns and bridges. He probably made the dentist's car payment more than once a year growing up. :-D Anyhow -- this led us to pray our children got his STRAIGHT teeth and my STRONG teeth. Two out of the four needed the braces, two did not....and, they all seem to have done pretty good on the cavities or lack thereof.

Anyhow -- why am I rambling on about this....? Well, I had one of my NanaRenanalogies come to me this morning and I just had to share!

I did something bad last night -- I'm not proud of it -- and all I can say in my defense is "It doesn't happen often!"

I went to bed without brushing my teeth!

This morning I woke up with some irritation and realized something had been lodged between my teeth and while I evidently didn't notice it at all before going to bed -- this morning I can't ignore it.

I went straight for the floss and got to thinking about all the steps to caring for one's teeth. And then noted the correlation to caring for one's soul.

We tend to get caught up in appearances.

Most of us brush our teeth so we don't smell bad and so our smile is as white as can be, because we want to be as attractive as possible to others.
LIKEWISE: A lot of Christians get all caught up in how they look and act because they want to look as holy and spiritually attractive as possible to others.

We often lack commitment to going for REAL help.

Although we probably all HAVE a dentist whom we like and trust, we don't keep those every 6 month appointments for cleanings and X-rays, even though we know it is beneficial to us in the long run.
LIKEWISE: Despite living in proximity to a healthy, thriving church full of like-minded believers with a competent and godly pastor at the helm, we find excuses to avoid attending worship services where we might be fed spiritually and be a blessing to others.

We try to get maximum results with minimal effort, even when we KNOW that isn't the way it works.

We want a dazzling, HOLLYWOOD smile, but we don't want to do more than brush once a day. We know we need to walk it up a few levels: choosing a good toothpaste, toothbrush, brushing longer and getting into those hard to reach places.
LIKEWISE: We want all of the blessings God could possibly pour out on us, but we don't want to pray more than a simple quick prayer once a day. Setting aside real time to pray and read the Word will do us the most good.

Ultimate "health" requires ultimate devotion.

X-rays and cleanings aren't fun. Fillings and root canals can be torture. And flossing is a colossal BORE! But if we are serious about keeping our pearly whites until we hit the pearly gates, there's just no way around those things!
LIKEWISE: Reading the Word, fasting, witnessing to strangers, intercessory prayer in and of themselves just don't fill us with enthusiasm. BUT, since our purpose here is to serve Him, those things are essential if we want to be with Him for eternity.

Okay -- thanks for hanging in there til the end for this one. I'm off to pray and read the Word -- then maybe I'll brush and floss AGAIN!

ENCOURAGE JEFF!!!!

2009-01-29T20:29:00.003-06:00

Jeff Steinsholt (26) is a very sick young man who has spent almost ALL of the last 8 months in the hospital. He is on dialysis, but his condition has been complicated by multiple infections, surgeries and procedures. Doctors repeatedly think they've figured out the problem, only to have things go awry again with the return of the unexplained nausea, vomiting, & weight-loss!! All they can do is scratch their head and run more tests.

Needless to say, Jeff is very discouraged. If you or a loved one has ever had an extended hospital stay, you know how mentally and emotionally exhausting the days that drag on and on can be. He longs to be able to attend church and just go eat at Gringo’s, his favorite Mexican restaurant.

His mother, Pat, -- a woman of amazing faith and determination -- is desperate for something grand to raise his spirits. We've all heard of drives to send cards to a sick child. Why can't we send them to a very sick man!!?! She would LOVE to see his room FILLED with cards from all across the country and from all around the WORLD!!! And quickly!!

Please do these things:

FIRST: Add Jeff to your personal Prayer List and forward his name to any and all Prayer Partners you might have. Regardless of our individual religious preferences, God is the Great Physician.

NEXT: Send Jeff a card/note/letter -- anything encouraging that might lift his spirits.

Jeff Steinsholt Rm. 804
c/o Cornerstone Hospital
709 Medical Center Blvd.
Webster, TX 77598

(Pat, could also use some encouragement! Tuck a little note in for her, too! Or email me at renan2368@aol.com for her home address.)

LASTLY: Forward this note to all your friends and family asking everyone to send him a card, too. The more far flung they are, the more fascinating this project will be and the more encouraged this amazing young man will be to know that people all around the globe are praying and care enough to take time to send him a message to let him know that God is still on the throne! You can also join the ENCOURAGE JEFF cause on Facebook!!

Thank you SO much!
And be blessed!

Pam (a.k.a. Nana Renan)

Hurry up and WAIT!

2009-01-28T14:50:00.004-06:00

I don't remember where I first heard this saying, or else I would give proper credit -- but it's been a comfort to me for years.

God answers EVERY prayer.

Sometimes He says, "Yes."

Sometimes He says, "No."

And sometimes He says, "Wait."

It's that last one that we struggle against the MOST.

Like a child on Christmas morning, we can easily accept the "Yeses!" It puts a smile on our face and, hopefully, gives us reason to pause and give Him thanks and to testify of His goodness to others. We absolve ourselves from feeling greedy by reminding us that it is HIS WILL to bless His children.

Conversely, we use that same logic to accept when His answer is "No." As mature adults, struggling to mature as Christians, we take a deep cleansing breath, straighten our posture and begin the process of accepting the realization that THIS TIME, we didn't get what we wanted. We remind ourselves that "all things work together for good" and cling to the hope that somewhere down the road we will be able to realize WHY He chose a different path for us.

If you are fortunate enough to see the revelation of how the outcome worked out to your 'good', you can't help but be humbled to know that He loves you enough to do what is best for you, even though it wasn't what YOU would have chosen.

Or perhaps, your prayer was just to let Him choose for you because you weren't clear, therefore, you're ambivalent about the answer, so long as you get one.

That leaves the ubiquitous "Wait."

Ouch -- we don't LIKE that one.

Our carnal nature wants immediate results. Even an immediate "No." feels preferable, at times, to a lingering "Wait." An instant, or at least timely (by OUR clocks!), "Yes." or "No." is not only easily explicable as "His Will" -- it allows us to avoid that uncomfortable sensation of being in limbo. Don't you just hate THAT- I HATE that. Ugh! No wonder Dante made it the first level of Hell!

The endless days and nights of praying the same thing over and over...only to wonder are your prayers even being heard? I've laid on the floor staring at the ceiling fan, wondering if it was deflecting them from penetrating the ceiling, insulation, rafters and shingles that separate me from the heavens!!

Yes, and I've cried until there just were no more tears left to spill. And I don't even feel like I've had much trial and suffering in my life -- compared to some people. But when you're in the throes of a "Wait." wilderness it can feel pretty intense and lonely.

I'm sure different people have many different testimonies. For me, looking back on some of the longest and most serious of my "Wait." periods...I can see that He was actually WAITING on me. Uh-oh!!....yes....I AM gonna go there. But I'm writing this TO me, so don't feel it's a judgement on my readers.

I need to contact a speaker to find out the source of this next quote (or perhaps SHE is the originator!) but it's been my favorite quote of the past year.....

"God is not interested in rescuing you from your situations.

He is only concerned with developing your character.

And sometimes He will leave you IN your situation UNTIL your character starts to improve."

It rang true in my heart, because most of my "Wait." journeys have ended abruptly just after I finally got desperate enough to really submit. ...to acknowledge that "I" am not now, nor have I ever been IN CONTROL. ...only He is in control.

Someone once suggested that the verse "...He MAKETH me to lie down..." is meant for those of us who's attention He can't get any other way but by immobilizing us with an illness, an incapacitation or an interminable "Wait."

I'll wrap this up with one of my analogies. Don't snicker, you knew it was coming!

Everybody loves a puppy. And you don't have to be a follower of Cesar Milan to know that dogs are pack animals. We have two in the house. Big Tex -- the star of a previous blog -- and Charlie. They are "old and older" in dog years AND well ingrained into our family "pack".

I think, as Christians, we get too comfortable in our place in His "pack", and forget how to submit. We think because we go about our daily lives trying to DO His work and BE His disciples that our submission to Him is obvious. Just like Charlie and Big Tex. They're always at hand or at foot, looking for a bite to eat or a warm lap.

Sometimes I need to go back and learn to be a new puppy in Christ.

If we brought a new puppy new puppy into our home, it would frequently roll onto its back and show its belly. Either to the older dogs or to the humans tending it. This is an obvious act of submission. A non-verbal "Here, I'll surrender before you have to make me."

Belly up -- complete submission: That has become my desired posture to hasten the end of any "Wait."

I'm Going To Disney World!!!!!

2009-01-18T01:28:00.002-06:00

(I'm not actually, just needed a catchy title!)

Remember the guy a few years back who (I THINK!) won a Super Bowl and when asked what he was going to do next, he replied, "I'm Going To Disney World"

Well, I feel like that guy right now. 'Cept I need a week long NAP before I try it! LOL

With the help of my darling children and some very, VERY precious friends, I pulled off the impossible today. We threw my husband a 50th birthday party and managed to COMPLETELY and TOTALLY surprise him. It was MY Super Bowl Victory!!

To any and all who know Mike one little whit -- they know this was NOT an easy task. I have been more deceitful and duplicitous in the last two weeks than at any time since I was a sophomore skipping Coach Murray's Gym Class. (Of course, anyone who went to BHS knows Coach Murry never showed up for that class EITHER!) LOL

To set the stage for those who DON'T have the pleasure of knowing Mike, this next bit will make him sound like a suspicious or maybe controlling person. Rest assured, he's really neither. But his small talk is just often peppered with "Who? What? When? Where? Why?" He can be annoyingly inquisitive at times. But he's much sharper than Inspector Clouseau and much better looking than any incarnation of Hercule Poirot, so we try to tolerate it all good-naturedly.

Ergo, the last two weeks have consisted of me and the kids planning, inviting, shopping, cooking, all the while plotting hiding, sneaking -- We could give Al Qaeda some lessons!

We/I could leave NO paper trail. Switching monies and dusting off credit cards -- just in case he looked at the bank account online. Stashing food in neighbors and friends refrigerators. Assigning jobs to anyone who couldn't run from me fast enough!!! Oh, yeah...I earned my stripes on this maneuver.

Well, today was the day. It was all coming down. And I was pretty pumped it was all at hand. His Dad and brother had called to say they might pop down for the weekend -- without it raising any alarms with him. Our son and his darling girlfriend also came to town late last night, but he was unaware.

I got out of the house on the excuse of attending a Photography class -- and almost went! But decided I would be too distracted, so instead I grabbed a couple of the kids to meet me so we could go ahead and set up tables and decorate. Imagine our surprise when we arrived at the venue and found it fully decorated.....and with a Golden Oldies theme.....

for 140 guests from another party!!

Yep -- somehow the place had been double-booked for the evening.

Now, I wish I could say my reaction was a nonchalant "Not to panic..."

And I DID......

..........eventually say those words....

But only after I PANICKED -- BIG TIME!!!!

Not only did I not know exactly WHO was coming to our party, but I had no way to let them know if we relocated to another address. No, we HAD to stick it out no matter how bad. (NOTE TO SELF: Never, EVER fail to RSVP ... ANYTHING.....EVER!!!)

We found that there was an upstairs area, complete with booth seating and an adorable 50's Diner decor!!!! (How cool is THAT!) that was perfectly suited for a party our size. So after a quick phone call or two to get permission to move ahead, we started getting it ready. And I sent out bulk text messages to let as many people as possible know about the slight alteration to the plan.

God is SO good to me. I'm such a "Mary" who gets caught up in the moment and has a hard time tending to the tasks at hand.....so He has put many, MANY "Martha's" in my circle of family and friends!! Its happened everywhere I've ever lived, so I know He did it just for me!! ;-) <>

(My friends know any invitation from Pam is most likely a WORKING invitation...in other words, don't offer to help unless you MEAN it, because duty assignments are forthcoming!)

So -- while all this FLURRY of activity is going on at the party site. Mr. Mike is AT HOME, with his Dad and little brother....just fussin' and fumin' because he is HONGRY. (That's slightly more cranky and irritable than just regular hungry.) He is calling me and my son, Phillip (who is supposedly getting his tires rotated!! LOL) wanting to know where we are and what is taking so long!! We had my son-in-law, Dominic, call Mike to invite all of us over for BBQ at 7:30. Melissa, my gestating little doll of a daughter-in-law, was our eyes and ears on the scene and was texting and calling to keep us appraised of his Threat Alert Status (he was mostly orange, but nearly went red a time or two.)

So -- right on cue, most everyone arrived just a few minutes ahead of 7 o'clock. Just as, back at home, Mike is herding PawPaw Woody, Mark and Melissa toward the car to head to Dominic and Michaela's house.

Over the days I'd testing DOZENS of potential ideas for HOW to get him to the Family Life Center.....even getting others to attempt to help me get him there. Finally, I settled on a perfectly timed phone call telling him I had stopped by the FLC to help someone who was having a party and had locked my keys in the car!! (Frugal and practical man that I've been married to for nigh unto 30 years!! would NEVER suggest calling a locksmith. Especially since we only live a mile and a half away!)

"Honey? Hey, I'm up at the gym helping somebody and I locked my keys in the car and I need you to come let me in."

He said, "Well you better call TRIPLE "A", because I'm NOT coming up there!"

Me - frantic!! "No, you have to!"

"Well, I'm not coming!"

At this point I actually started to tear up -- thinking, 'it's all blown now, just don't embarrass me in front of everyone!' With nothing-to-lose-resolve I said, "Well, there's NO ONE at Michaela's house right now, so you might as well come up here! And come upstairs I need you to help me with something."

There. I just knew he'd have it ALL figured out by the time he arrived. But, I put my party face on and rushed to assure everyone that he was ON THE WAY and would arrive shortly. We gathered around the stairs and merrily waited.

A few minutes later my Bluetooth went off in my ear. "Hello?"

Mike: "Your car is open, do you need anything else before I leave?"

HE WASN'T EVEN GONNA COME INSIDE!!??!!

I whipped out the MOM-voice that I wouldn't normally use on him and said, "No! I NEED you to come upstairs RIGHT NOW!!!"

There was some muttering and breaking up on the phone line and I was calculating if I could make it down the stairs and drag him up by the collar faster with or without my shoes on when he finally hit the bottom step!! I've seen little boys sent to bed without supper not clomp up the stairs as insolently!!! Just as he hit the landing and turned, a resounding "SURPRISE" went off over his head and he was confused, stunned and utterly surprised to see an assortment of faces: family, neighbors, church friends, co-workers all peering over the railing at him.

WE GOT HIM!!!

He never saw it coming.

Looking back, now he can see a TON of little signs that should've clued him in, but it didn't register. One Pollyanna-ish friend pointed out that he might be slipping a little since he is aging so rapidly. LOL But I said, "Yeah, but that means I am aging too fast to be as creative and inventive as I used to be, too!!"

My cousin, Kenneth, offered him HOPE. Having just celebrated his 72nd birthday earlier this month, he assure Mike he could still do everything at 72 that he had been able to do at 50. Which -- he suggested -- just went to prove what horrible shape he'd been in at 50!!

We had our fun and laughs...OH! And the party downstairs....? They were perfectly sweet about us being so close AND -- get this! -- we got full benefit of their live DJ who was spinning the oldies from Big Band down to Cyndi Lauper!! How cool was that? Because music had been one thing that never entered my mind in all my party planning!

Okay -- so I'm finally winding down enough to consider falling asleep. Just wanted to blog this before I went to sleep. I'll try to add pictures in later. There were enough cameras present there should be some good ones. (BTW-if you were there and have some, please share!!)

And again.....to those who came and helped by working or just helped by making him feel loved. THANK YOU. It made me and my kids proud to see how special OUR Special Guy is to all of you. We love you for it. And for those who missed it....?

Well. You missed it.

Bubba asked me "What are you going to do for his 60th?"

I said, quite sincerely -- "NOT A THING!!!"

(Oh, and when they wondered what they would do for MY 50th, I said, after the stress of this week -- we'll be lucky if I make it that many more years!! LOL)

Pam
P.S. Put your fingers back in your pocket -- I'll be there in 3.5 years! ;-)

Happy New Year and all that....

2009-01-01T23:41:00.003-06:00

....try not to pay attention to how long it's been since I blogged. I've wanted to, TRULY, I think of really good things and then I forget them. Sort of like when you have a really vivid dream and go to tell someone about it and it just evaporates....? Hopefully it will get better. I've started text messaging myself with keywords and ideas....so maybe I can piece the tho'ts back together when I finally have a chance to sit down at the computer.

This one came on quite suddenly a little while ago, so I'm gonna post it real quick like.

You may have heard me say this before (I DO repeat myself and often, hence the need to blog about it and be done with it!) -- following my Weight Loss Surgery I learned that a lot of obesity issues aren't so much about your taste buds and appetite, but swim around in the gray matter gravy between your ears.

Last night I happened to say to my pastor -- who's encountered his own weight loss in relation to correcting other physical problems through eliminating allergens in his diet -- that "a lot of what we THINK we love to eat, we really only LOVE because we can slam it down quickly and in large quantities." And this is true.

I need to get back to following the rules of WLS. I've slacked off some, especially regarding the slow consumption of minute portions --

"Cut your bites into pencil eraser size!"
"Chew, chew, chew -- then chew some more."
"Don't drink a half hour before meals and for a full hour after."
"Chew well."
"Protein first, then veggies -- then if you can squeeze in another bite, a carb or two."
"Oh and don't forget to CHEW!"

--there are more, but you get the point. Anyhow, very quickly post-op, in fact, almost as soon as I was able to eat solid food, I had one SHOCKING discovery after another. A whole lot of food I THO'T I loved, just wasn't any good when cut up microscopically and chewed to smithereens.

It's made me very judicious in choosing what I will and will not eat. It's difficult. If it's TOO delicious, then I want MORE and it's hard to stop with what I can handle. But if it's not good, well then I just don't want to bother with it.

Today marks the start of a new year. 2009. Wow! As always, I embark on Bible reading. I confess, most years I derail and don't complete it at all and when I do, often not on schedule. This year, I've decided to read The Message translation...I love using it for Bible Study and at our Small Groups meetings. Now I'm going to savor it for my personal consumption.

And that's what made me think about the food and eating. It's sort of a metaphor for our walk with God.

A lot of what we THINK is good, is only good because it's quick and easy. Just like attending a lively church service can make us feel good quickly. The bigger the move of God or the more potent the message, the better we feel. But, upon closer examination, we haven't really gotten to the GOOD stuff -- a deep, personal walk with God. We're sort of just going along grabbing onto whatever is handy. Like a spiritual drive-thru. It may make us feel full -- depending on how much we partake. But it lacks some of what is necessary to sustain us 24/7.

A true personal relationship with Jesus -- just like a superbly cooked meal -- is so rich you want to savor every second. BUT, it is going to require some effort. You have to dig a little deeper ...

actually READ The Word.
Pray.
Fast.
Witness.
Serve.
Listen. (ouch)
Wait.

I won't make the literal comparisons to cooking a meal. I'm sure you get my drift. Just wanted to give you some "food" for tho't.

LOL

Pam<----off to bed LQTM at my own lame pun.

Revisiting Ruby

2008-10-05T19:43:00.004-05:00

A few weeks ago, my Snopes.com newsletter offered the following: (I've provided two links, one or the other should get you there.)

Click here: snopes.com: Dolores Aguilar Obituary

http://www.snopes.com/media/iftrue/obituary.asp

I read it and naturally tho't, "How sad." And it made me remember my own mother and wonder about Dolores Aguilar. Since yesterday would have been my mother's 83rd birthday and tomorrow would have been her 62nd wedding anniversary, today seems like a good day to blog.

My mother was complex. But I guess we all are. To quote Bro. Tyler Walea, 'I object to the term 'dysfunctional' to refer to people or families, because it implies that somewhere, someone is fully functional." That is true. We are all 'dysfunctional' by SOMEONE'S standards, and that is what makes us normal, I suspect.

I frequently recommend the movie "The Joy Luck Club" to people. Women, especially!, can probably 'get it', when they watch it. It centers around four Chinese women who end up living and raising their daughters in San Francisco. It is a constant flip-flop between the struggles and conflicts these women have with their grown daughters, scenes of those daughters' childhood experiences, and more importantly, glimpses of the mothers' own tumultuous childhood.

It was riveting to me because it made me stop to realize that I judged my conflicts with my own mother at face value and only from my limited perspective -- never contemplating what events in HER life, might have led her to push me this way or that, hold me at arms length when I so desperately wanted to be held, discipline me when my heart cried out for affection and yet -- at the same time -- love me fiercely.

Perhaps if I had seen it earlier -- or read the book -- The Joy Luck Club might've helped mend some of the strife in our relationship. But sadly, by the time I saw it I was so busy raising my four children and my mother, who was in another state, was already slipping into dementia.

We did not have enough time.

My mother was nearly 38 when I was born. Almost seventeen DIFFICULT years later, I married and moved 500 miles away. So the years I lived with her, I was as self-obsessed and ego-centric as any other child. Quickly I went from being a child in my mother's house to being a wife and then a mother. There was not a lot of time to work on our relationship and logistically it just wasn't possible.

Of course, like most people...I'd carefully analyzed ALL the 'mistakes' my mother made in parenting and carefully plotted how to not make ANY of them -- or any others, for that matter.

(Cue the laughter.)

Funny how there is nothing to show you how little you know about being a parent like BECOMING one. Over the next 20 years my children taught me just how inept and unprepared I was. Don't get me wrong. I know I did a pretty good job of raising them. They are all fine people today. But I made plenty of mistakes along the way. Not too many of the same ones my mother made, but more than my share, nonetheless.

This reminds me of a favorite quote: "When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years." - Mark Twain

I could rewrite it thusly, "When I was a girl of 15, my mother was so despicable to me, the simple fact that she was consuming oxygen on MY planet drove me insane. But by the time "I" was the mother of a 15 year old girl, I was humbled to realize how hard it must have been to do the best she knew how each day, never knowing what I would say or do next."

The Joy Luck Club, lots of Oprah and Phil Donohue, stacks of magazines and books and several years of therapy later I could finally appreciate how some of the traumatic and tragic events of my mother's early life had shaped and molded her into the mother she became. And I was mature enough to realize it wasn't all about me. Just as I hope my children -- my girls, most especially! -- will realize that its not their fault I made mistakes, and its not entirely mine. But we are each shaped by many hands, over many years.

Which brings me back to Dolores Aguilar. I wonder -- What happened in her life...? What were HER parents like...? Her siblings....? What traumatic experiences altered her character and impacted her behavior...? And -- would knowing any of those details help her children understand her any better. A part of me grieves for them, because I know what it is like for your mother to die with unfinished business between you.

And I am blessed that with God's help, I am able to forgive her any shortcomings or any transgressions because I know she DID love me and she DID do the best she knew how.

Nana Renamblings on: Adults-Less-Sense

2008-09-05T08:54:00.006-05:00

RAMBLE ALERT: Several things have happened this week to have mothers/parenting/adolescents/etc. on my mind...so here goes...

PUBERTY: Its a state of being that's not fully human. As a psychiatrist on a talk show put it - "If we were to chemically recreate puberty in a shot or a pill and give it to middle-aged people they would be jumping off of buildings and driving off of bridges because they could not handle what was occurring in their brains and bodies."
We know that the human brain is not finished developing until age 25. That is when the brain maxes out its growth potential -- all the little connections that were ever going to happen have happened.
The last part of it to develop is the frontal-lobe. There is where the ability to consider long-term consequences of immediate actions resides.
As an adult you need to make a left hand turn onto a busy street... While you are looking both ways you aren't just thinking "Can I make it?" You are also thinking about the consequences of a wreck if you misjudge it: everything from time and money lost due to a minor fender-bender to prison and/or death resulting from a major collision. In a split second you are considering ALL potential scenarios at the same time you are judging the distance and speed of the oncoming cars. Your teen is physiologically incapable of considering all of that "what if" business and only thinks, "Sure I can make it!" Vrrooooommmmmm!!
Stop, think back on every STOOPID thing you did between the age of 10 and 25 -- now you know WHY you didn't do what you now wish you HAD done instead. So next time you're looking at your "adult-looking" child, remember they are victims of adolescence.
They are "Adults-Less-Sense"!

PERSPECTIVE: My best and most eagerly offered advice to the parents of teenagers is -- NEVER forget what YOU felt like and what YOU thought about things when YOU were that age. Or as Mike says, "Every person's perspective IS their reality."

A week ago this area was bracing for Hurricane Gustav who never made it this far. A single mom was telling us her concerns for her children who would possibly be catching the school bus in lingering rain because she couldn't drive them to work. She prepared them as best she could with ponchos and umbrellas and then marveled that her teen was less than enthusiastic about using these items.
She told him, "You can't go to school soaking wet....!"
I piped up, "Well, that's a whole lot COOLER than wearing a poncho and carrying an umbrella!"
I ought to know. I grew up in a rainy climate, too. Kids in my elementary school wore those classic bright yellow slickers when it rained. And I wanted one, too. Instead my mother bought me an ugly, "old-lady" looking raincoat. Days she made me wear it I would run to the school door and pause just inside until she drove away - then I would strip it off, stuff it behind the shrubs and go inside dry rather than bear the humiliation of wearing something so ugly.
So every time my child aggressively balked at wearing something THEY perceived to be be 'ugly', I was instantly transported to that moment. So I strove to give them as much leeway in making those choices as I morally and financially could.
What I was unable to consider at the time was WHAT ON EARTH my mother would have done to me if something would have happened to that raincoat!!?!

PRONOUNCEMENTS: We've all heard, "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaketh." But maybe speaking it, gets it out of there where it doesn't belong...?

Okay, I'm conflicted on this one and rightly so considering how I was raised. Every kid thinks they got more whippings than anybody else, so I won't bother trying to convince you that I got a lot. I REMEMBER many, many of them, so per my PERSPECTIVE there were a lot!
Once my mother was done doling out her discipline, the event was over. She couldn't keep me from screaming while she was concentrating on her aim and follow-through and she couldn't stop the tears from flowing. But I couldn't show anger or say anything when it was over for there was "plenty more where that came from". I vividly remember sitting on my bed and biting the hem of the pillow case until my jaws hurt, as I absolutely trembled with the rage I felt.
By the time I was a mother and had experienced toddlerhood, I realized that anger is not 'misbehavior'. It is a feeling and you can't control feelings -- you can only control how you react to them. So I vowed to never punish my kids for being angry. BUT, there was a limit to how much of it I wanted to witness.
The house rule was they were free to reasonably express their anger, until I grew tired of it and then they were banished to their room to serve out the remainder of their rage. Once in there they were free to continue as long as I couldn't hear any profanity from where I was and they didn't break anything.
I consider this a very, VERY successful plan of parenting...(I'll pat myself on the back later, as it impedes my typing.) and here's why... Almost without fail, once their anger was spent and they emerged, they were always contrite and apologetic. Even if they weren't exactly sorry for what they'd done in the first place, they were remorseful for how badly they'd 'hated' me during their rage. And they came and asked for forgiveness.
I never asked for forgiveness, because I'd never been allowed to express the anger. Anger that remains bottled up turns to bitterness and its far more damaging in the long term.

I'll stop here...there may be more later. Stay tuned.

Cheryl DID know something.....(and so did Liz!)

2008-08-06T08:51:00.002-05:00

If you've been keeping up with my blogs, you know by now that I am well aware that I talk a good game, but struggle to really compete. I THINK I know what's going on and can elucidate ad nauseum whether I know much about it or not.

A few weeks back I blogged about my best friend, Cheryl, and how she likes to clean out closets. I've just had the pleasure of having her and her husband in my home for a few, (too few!) short (too short!) days. I got to see AGAIN, up close and personal, how clean she is. She's got a lot more "Martha" in her than I do. (Martha Stewart or Mary and Lazarus' sister, Martha, in the New Testament -- take your pick.) She's the one to get things done -- tidying up behind her as she goes.

A few days before my guests arrived, I discovered a video online: Liz McComb performing at a Jazz Festival in Vienna in 2002. The song is A Big Mess. The words go something like this....

"I cleaned up the outside of my house, but in my room, it was a big mess.
I put on a brand new coat of paint, but in my room, it was a big mess.

Can't go down the street, to help somebody out.
Can't go next door and clean somebody's house.

I cleaned up the outside of my house, but in my room, it was a big mess."

I managed to capture it on my DVR and played it for Cheryl -- she enjoyed both the lyrics and the catchy jazz tune they were set to.

We spent the better part of yesterday morning working on a project in my studio. Our creative juices were flowing and when I get going, I'm pretty determined to not get sidetracked by unimportant details -- or at least what "I" determine as "unimportant". Cheryl kept TRYING to clean up the mess we were making as we went. And I kept telling her, "No, just leave that."

Finally we were finished enough she could transport everything back to Dallas and they were packed and away. The house was terribly quiet after being filled with days with sounds of laughter and lively conversation. Tired, Mike and I retired pretty early.

Now, this morning, I walk back into my studio to hurriedly go to work on a project that I need to have finished TODAY. And guess what I find.....

The MESS that "I" insisted could be taken care of LATER. (Guess "later" has become "now!".) If I would have kept myself in check, my friend who is SO good at the straightening up part of life could have done that almost effortlessly. And I could have gotten right to work today. Now, I've got to spend time FINDING things before I can work and I have no one to blame but MYSELF.........because I didn't let someone who is more talented in that area than I am DO what it was she's so good at.

Suddenly I realized and FELT the profundity of those lyrics:

I can't go help somebody out because "in my room, it is a big mess."

EVERYTHING!!!! .. & nuthin'.... (Got stew??)

2008-07-07T22:14:00.005-05:00

Ever have one of those days (or weeks, or months!!) when you're on edge and cranky and you don't know the exact reason(s)? Finally someone -- usually my inconveniently long-suffering husband! -- asks, "What's wrong?"

There it is -- you're meant to verbalize what you can't even comprehend.

My pat answer is "EVERYTHING!!!!!....and nuthin'." :-(

Ten kizillion things are annoying the daylights out of me -- and yet not ONE of them "amounts to a hill of beans" as my mother would have said.

Now in truth, I'm no dummy. I am the FIRST to recognize that I am blessed beyond measure. Good health, awesome husband, wonderful kids, delightful friends, happenin' church and most of all -- the Love and Friendship of my Creator!!

I KNOW how fortunate I am and I do try to be grateful to Him with worship and thanksgiving every day. But that doesn't mean things don't pester and aggravate. And despite what SOME PEOPLE might think (are you listening, Bean!!?!) it's not any ONE person or ONE problem.

It's just a conglomeration.

A Mulligan Stew of meat (roles and responsibilities), veggies (problems and crises), flavors (people and their personalities) swimming in a broth (Soup=life!).

Once it's simmered for a while -- 46 years of life/29 years of marriage!! -- you can take out or add in meats or veggies and it doesn't make all that much difference. The flavors are ever changing and morphing the longer time goes by. If you're a picky eater who doesn't like their foods to touch on the plate -- (every day life all tidy-neat-predictable) -- then Mulligan Stew probably isn't going to be for you.

So -- turn off the fire (worry and stress) and just enjoy the meal!! God gave you life, health and strength to handle whatever came your way. And if you need MORE assistance -- He's right there ready to help.

Anticipation...

2008-07-05T00:37:00.004-05:00

It's my BIRTHDAY!!
Yesterday was Independence Day!
My GrandDoll, Daughter-in-law, Sister and one of my daughter's all have birthdays this month!
Never been to Michigan before, but expect to go there a few days in August.
Mike and I are going on our SECOND cruise in 3 months! My first trip ANYWHERE North & East of Knoxville!! NYC. Boston. Nova Scotia. Martha's Vineyard!!
I LOVE the holidays -- Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's Day!
Ladies Conferences in the Spring!!

....the list goes ON and ON and ON.

Sometimes I seem to be living from one EVENT to the next. Proof in point -- my oldest daughter got married two weeks ago. A simple affair -- casual, on the beach. It still took a considerable amount of planning and preparation. Some might call it trouble -- not me! I LOVE the thrill of the anticipation.

No matter how tight the budget got. How frustrating the preparations got (as in having to remake half the bridal gown two nights before the wedding!) No matter how tired I was -- getting fewer and fewer hours of sleep each night that we drew closer.

NONE of that mattered in light of how excited I was FOR them to be starting their lives out afresh with sacred vows pledged before God, a preacher and a host of family and friends!! I counted it a joy and a blessing to be a part of the preparations. It wasn't WORK, it was a privilege.

At one point my husband asked, "Won't you be glad when it's all over?"

I cried, "No! I want the 'getting ready' to be over, but I can't WAIT to enjoy the ceremony and reception and visit with everyone who has come -- I'm ready to BE IN THAT MOMENT."

Several years ago a poignant tho't hit me as I was starting to pack for a trip. For all but a handful of years, I have gone to the Ladies Conference every Spring at the UPCI Campgrounds in Lufkin, Texas. I attended the first one EVER with some very close friends and a nursing baby. (She's the one having a birthday this month -- her NINETEENTH!!)

EnnyHOW -- I was SO excited to be going that while I was laying out my clothes I was on the phone with one of my friends who lives in another town and was meeting me there. My heart was beating SO fast and my mouth was going 90 mph. "Just THINK! In a couple of days we'll be in that tabernacle on the campgrounds with THOUSANDS of Holy Ghost-filled, Apostolic women who've ALL come together for the sole purpose of worshipping the Lord and receiving a Word from Him..."

And just then He spoke to me.

No -- not in an audible voice. But in that subtle but distinct way where you just FEEL a tho't from the bottom of your heart and you know that He has whispered it to your soul.

The Word was..."If only you could be this excited every DAY about getting to Heaven to worship Me with the mighty host."

I was SO humbled.

And still am...years later.

It is SO easy to get SO excited about all the little events in our lives. And I'm not suggesting we SHOULDN'T -- it's perfectly acceptable and appropriate to be joyous in our traditions and fellowships with friends and family!!!

BUT == we ALL need to remind ourselves that DAILY we prepare for a much bigger event. One that will never end. One we will never grow weary at. One that won't leave us tired or broke or exhausted or numb...but will grow more joyful every day throughout eternity. An event so awesome our feeble little human bodies can't endure it -- we will have to have glorified bodies to experience it.

The anticipation is half the fun!!

Beginning this first day of my 46th year, I'm going to expand a habit. When the sun comes up later this A.M. and I open my eyes, instead of just saying my usual,

"This is the day that the Lord hath made,

I will REJOICE and BE GLAD in it!"

I'm going to add...

"And all day long,

I'm going to ANTICIPATE

spending my eternity with Him!"

A Milestone Day

2008-06-26T20:12:00.002-05:00

I'm a little surprised with myself that I haven't blogged more about my weight-loss journey. Still not sure WHY I haven't. And not at all sure that I won't in the future. It could just be that I'm in a state of semi-denial and am afraid to say too much for fear I'll jinx it or something.

No --

that's not it.

I trust in the Lord and don't believe in 'jinxes'.

Anyhow, I felt it necessary to at least mark this occasion. I have now, officially crossed the halfway mark in my journey. In just a little over 10 months I have lost half the weight I set out to lose -- to date a total of 86 lbs. I now I have 85 remaining that need to go.

I'm dreadfully realistic in that I know the last half will be infinitely harder to get off than the first half. But, if I never lost another pound, I am immensely grateful to God and my surgeon and his staff and all my friends and family who have been so supportive!

I feel better than I have in decades -- truly!
Everything in my closet is less than 6 months old!
I only take one daily medication now as opposed to a total of NINE I took prior to surgery!
All of my labs are good: cholesterol, tryglycerides, liver, glucose -- ALL OF IT.

A couple of weeks ago I was in the back yard with my grandson when his mother came tearing out the door with a look of terror on her face. "What's wrong?" she asked worriedly.

"Wrong? Nothing's wrong. We were playing chase," I told her.

She said, "Oh, I saw you run past the window and tho't Desmond had gotten the gate open."

We both started to LOL and I realized, she's 27 years old and probably hasn't seen me RUN since the 1980's!!!

I might train for a marathon....

BECAUSE I CAN!!!!

29 Years & Counting

2008-06-23T23:50:00.006-05:00

I have lots of blog-able tho'ts running in my head, but neither the time or energy to commit them to the Internet tonight.

However, as the last few minutes of this day tick away, I have to commemorate the date.

Twenty-nine years ago today I became Mrs. Michael Lynn Hargrove. It is the most fortuitous event of my life outside of my relationship with my God. I love my children dearly, but not even their births altered my life's course as dramatically as marrying the handsome, blue-eyed, blonde boy who would become their father.

He was - and is - and will forever be - The Love Of My Life.

Since June IS the month for brides and much is on my mind....

my oldest daughter was married yesterday
my youngest daughter is bouncing around ideas
a best friend's daughter called today asking me to make her wedding dress
another dear friend called tonight to announce her engagement

.....expect more matrimonially themed blogs before the month is out. Until then,

I love you, Baby!

The Soundtracks of Our Lives

2008-06-18T09:04:00.004-05:00

(Note: This is an excellent 'climate' for blogging, since I have 50 bazillion OTHER things I should be doing!!)

I think it was Dick Clark who said "Music is the soundtrack of our lives." So I'll give him the credit until I learn otherwise. My friend, Mitchell, made me think of this when he recently announced he had FINALLY added a Play List to his MySpace page...something about HAVIN' CHURCH!! I feel that way about MY Play List on MY MySpace page.

Last night I caught myself singing in the shower. Not a common occurance. I love music and I love to sing (what most would classify as 'make a joyful noise' - emphasis on NOISE!) but I'm just not a break into song kinda gal like some folks.

My mother, Ruby, seemed to always be singing while she worked. My GrandDoll, Sloane, is a living muisical. She will randomly burst into song -- she will sing her request for a specific breakfast cereal!

But my singing needs prompting or accompaniment like worshipping in church or listening to a CD in the car. So, standing there in the shower I got to thinking about music.

I have very distinctive tastes in music. I remember hearing somewhere a long time ago that we are 'musically imprinted' between the ages of 13 to 15. That whatever you are heavily INTO at that age will always be your favorite style of music. (How this was tested and determined I have NO clue!) But, for me, it's true. At that age I got my first stereo and discovered the great big world of FM radio -- but I still listened to the same style of music that the local AM station played......Top 40s. Today, I tune into stations that still play THOSE Top 40s. Altho', sad to say, they are now called Classic Oldies!!!

BeeGees
Eagles
Earth, Wind and Fire
K.C. and the Sunshine Band
Aerosmith
Queen

...and so on. Since most of them qualify to be AARP members now, I guess the music would be classified as OLDIES.

But the bigger influence came from the church. I was in the choir during that time and we had a very gifted and talented choir director who was not afraid to try new and exciting music. The up and coming music of the day was Andrae Crouch, Walter Hawkins, Lanny Wolfe with some Dottie Rambo thrown in for good measure. But Bro. David knew how to make it work. We were BLESSED and I believe we were able to bless others through his music and our efforts and most of all, letting God have His way with us.

So -- the 'imprinting' rule applies to me. My favorite kind of music is Gospel Choir music. Today I rarely bother with FM -- I buy CDs...

Kirk Franklin
Tye Tribbett
Tonex
Fred Hammond
Martha Munizzi
Yolanda Adams
The Clark Sisters

...and so on and so on! (One of these days I'm going to leap into the new millenium and get an iPod.) Any type of music that elicits praise and worship. When you have the Joy of the Lord in you, music that edifies Him should cause you to well up and overflow with joy. If it doesn't, then you might need to visit an altar a few times until it does. ;-)

Anyway -- back to music. It was a big topic of conversation around here yesterday. My daughter is getting married this Sunday and while I was sewing and fitting her wedding gown, she was working on building a play list for the DJ. We were having trouble getting the ball rolling so I reverted to technology! I text-messaged several dozen friends and family and asked for their top picks.

I'm STILL getting responses this morning! And it's been interesting to say the least! I knew I had a diverse group of friends. But I had no idea that each of them had such diverse tastes in music! Wow! Here are some of the things that intrigued me:

No one under 35 had to have "play list" explained to them. (NOTE:I suspect there is fodder for another blog in there, so I'll leave it at that for now!)
A lot more people listen to Country than I ever imagined!
One couple -- LONG divorced!! -- suggested the same song, but done by two very different bands. hmmmmmm ... (See note above!)
Nothing is too old, too slow, too fast or too cheezy to having meaning, stir feelings or prompt memories for somebody somewhere.
Classics are just that -- CLASSIC -- because they appeal to people regardless of their age. Elvis, Nat King Cole, Perry Como....? People long dead before some of their 'fans' were born still carry relevance even to this generation.
A lot of what we think of as 'love songs' are actually pretty sad and depressing if you really listen to the lyrics.

There's probably more. But, there IS still a wedding dress piled on my sewing machine and the guilt of extreme procrastination is getting to me so I'll end.

Have a good one, and listen to some good tunes today!

Perception = Reality

2008-05-04T04:57:00.009-05:00

Mike is always quoting someone -- and probably paraphrasing at that --

"Each person's perception is their reality."

I was thinking about my Granny and realized that something I'd tho't all my life, may have been anything but true...but I'll get to that later.

(Here I am with my Granny, Rosa Ella Sharp Jones, at MY house, around 1965.)

My mother's parents lived about 12 miles out in the country from my childhood home. The trip to their house was truly an "over the river and thru the woods" sort of journey although a lot of the "woods" were actually "company pasture" owned by the local paper mill and the "river" was one little creek and gully after another. Still, it was a great ride. Daddy knew where every little "thrill hill" was and just how much to speed up before you hit it so the backseat passengers -- usually just me -- felt that little stomach flip. Oh, and when I was older I often got to make the ride home from Granny and PapPaw's in the bed of his pick-up! Great fun until I was trying to detangle my hair! LOL

Once you got to their mailbox -- which was forever being blown up by stupid boys with more Black Cat firecrackers than brains! -- there was a long, meandering gravel lane through more skinny pine trees. But at the end of it, the woods fell away to a large open expanse. Two big fields flanked the little dog-trot house and it's outbuildings. Two towering pecan trees shaded the broad front porch and its half dozen rockers. And more often than not, there were two grey heads on that porch already alert to the sound that "Somebody's coming!"

My grandparents were both in their late 60's when I was born -- the last of their six grandchildren. Septuagenarians in my earliest memories. I wish I could say we were very close - but in honesty, our family left a lot to be desired in that department. But, from what I DO remember of my Granny, she was a great model of unconditional love.

Most of our visits to their house were not social calls. My Daddy would help my PapPaw with some chore and Mama would help, too, as well as prepare a large noonday meal for everyone. I think a lot of Granny's responsibility was to keep me entertained!

She taught me to embroider using sewing thread on one of her aprons that had black and white flowers printed on it. I can still see her wrinkled, but strong hands demonstrating over and over how to make a knot in the end of my thread that wouldn't pull through. (And yes, I was using a spool of thread, not actual embroidery floss.) When I was big enough, she taught me how to sew on her treadle sewing machine.

For some reason, the project I worked on the most in the beginning was stitching her pillowcases shut -- WITH the pillows inside! I'm still trying to figure out who had that idea and WHY? But it only dawned on me a few months ago -- she had to have sat and picked out all that stitching to get the pillowcases off to wash them and the apron was always washed, ironed and bare ready to be embroidered...AGAIN.

Now, either she was just a simple woman with time on her hands because her children were long since grown and gone and her few modern conveniences left her time to twiddle her thumbs. (She's also the one who taught me how to do THAT!) Or, she was an expert in child development who understood that I would only be encouraged and my skills improve by doing the same task over and over without looking back to see what a poor job I'd done previously.

Hmmmmm....

Now I've been a grandmother for almost 10 years. I was 36 when my Tootie came. And its evident that I still have a lot to learn since I started with a thirty year deficit of wisdom compared to my Granny. But I'm working on it.

One thing I know -- I have no where NEAR the patience with Sloane and Desmond that my Granny had with me. (And then again, she didn't see me nearly as often.) I've built a great passion for sewing and needlework and a host of other crafty hobbies on the foundation laid with Granny's jumbled thread box and treadle Singer. But I'm much more selfish with my time and supplies -- I've never just turned Sloane 'loose' in my studio. I definitely need some work in that area!

The memory that started this whole blog was looking through the rear window as we drove away from the little wood house with it's rusty-tin covered, pyramid-shaped roof. PapPaw would wave and then walk off -- to do what, I don't know. But it seemed Granny would stand there and wave until we were out of sight. I've always felt this heavy sense of loneliness and boredom settle over me when I contemplated what their lives must have been after we left. They had no television or air-conditioning. Only the radio to let them know that there was a whole world beyond their tree-rimmed horizon. No other life forms except for the a few chickens, a handful of cows and some sort of hound.

We celebrated Dez's 2nd birthday yesterday. As Mike and I got in our car alone and drove back to the house, my ears were ringing from the loud chatter and laughter. And instead of dreading going home to boredom of 'just the two of us', I was actually craving the quiet. And it suddenly hit me -- I bet, at least for a spell -- my Granny's ears rang from my constant chatter and noisy footsteps running through the house. She was probably ready to settle into her rocking chairs and savor the sound of nothing but the breeze and an occasional buzz of an insect. However bored she might've become LATER, that was not her foremost tho't at that moment.

It made me smile and chuckle and realize, "My! how age can change our 'reality'."

Spiritual Sorting?: Did Cheryl Know It All Along...?

2008-04-29T07:49:00.002-05:00

I've had a very dear and precious friend in my life for TWENTY-FIVE years. Cheryl has been closer than a sister, another mother to my children -- a constant in whatever wave of chaos or pit of despair I have found myself in.

**hold on, gotta grab a Kleenex**

Okay....

We are vastly different in a lot of ways, yet completely simpatico in others -- therefore, we make a great pair. A team. We're both (IMHO) a healthy mixture of Martha and Mary. We love our homes and family and church -- so tending to what needs to be done is no grave duty. But, we also value friendship and fellowship and special moments that are over in a blink -- so we know the importance of letting those duties WAIT while we savor the moments. We've tested the theory and have scientifically proven time and again that dust bunnies THRIVE on neglect.

One long held "tradition" that has become inseparable in my mind is "Cleaning Out Closets with Cheryl". I'm serious -- it's a function that I can't even contemplate without images of Cheryl coming to my mind. I could not begin to count the number of times I've been at her house just hangin' out and watching her clean out her closet. (Help is always available if she wants it, but I know and respect that while a conversationalist is handy, sometimes extra hands complicate things, so I refrain from jumping in.)

I used to be much more methodical about cleaning out closets and cabinets. But over the last decade, we've made several moves and I've laxed my standards. Greatly!!

Cheryl even did for me what some might consider unimaginable -- nearly 5 years ago, she left her family for almost a week to go out of state with me and help me begin the process of emptying out my late parents' home of 45 years of clutter. (Bless their hearts -- they were incurable pack-rats, the both of them!) What would have been a odious task to most people was yet another bonding experience for Cheryl and I. (Two more dear friends -- who may get their own tribute in a future blog -- helped me finish that arduous and gut-wrenching duty.

So -- here I am, finally going through the last of the boxes if ephemera and effluvium I dragged back to to Texas. Decidiing that to keep and what to toss is hard for me -- I do, after all, have "pack rat-ism" in my genes! My husband has spent thousands on public storage facilities and finally had a shed built...now is the time to make those final decisions.

This morning, I was sorting through a drawer of cards and stationary that I have made and collected over the years. And I was already thinking "Um, Pam, this shouldn't be THIS full. You have fallen down with keeping up with people!"

Making little packets and labeling them: Wedding, Baby Shower, Easter, Christmas (folks who know me know the only way to get off my Christmas list is to die!!)....I was trying to decide what order to put them in. I had a "moment" when I attempted to figure out what should come first, Sympathy or Friendship.

Suddenly it hit me! ((Whoa -- I feel a blog comin' on! Thank you, Lord!))

I'd rather send a "Thinking of You" card to someone I love than send a "Sorry For Your Loss" card to their family!!

I came to the computer with TWO spiritual truths in my heart....

You need to get your own "junk" in order, before you can effectively help others with their's. There was no room in my house for me to bring in even the most precious of items from my parents home. First I had to purge the things that weren't important to make room for what I did value.
Someday -- if you live long enough -- you will lose each and every one who is dear to you. Or they will lose you. Instead of a lovely card or beautiful flowers, I'd rather my friends' loved ones find a handful of cards and letters that expressed what that person meant to me.

Now, I gotta run. There are more drawers to clean out and sort, but FIRST, I've gotta pick out a card to send to Cheryl.

What is FORGIVENESS...?

2008-04-28T10:25:00.004-05:00

I found this quote a while back, it really spoke to me and I used it in my siggies for a while. Unfortunately, some people would tell me "I don't get it." It's been going over and over in my mind today, so I guess I need to share it.

"FORGIVENESS is....................

'letting go of a better past'."

I guess it spoke to me because I once had a therapist tell me that I was 'grieving for the childhood I THO'T I should have had'. And she was right -- I was VERY hung up on recounting the atrocities to anyone who would listen, even if I had to PAY them to listen!

My parents weren't terrible. They tried their best and made some mistakes -- just as I have done in my job of parenting. There were just some things I tho't needed to have been better. But y'know what...? They're ancient history now.
(Okay, not THAT ancient!)

Dwelling on them in the present would steal a lot of today's joy. And who among us has SO MUCH JOY in their life, they can afford to give any of it away to the PAST??

NOT ME!!!

And I'm a pretty upbeat and positive optimist, but I still don't have joy to spare for rehashing the past. My guess is, neither do you.

So whether whoever hurt and/or humiliated you in the past:

parents
cashier @ Wal-Mart
teacher
bully
ex
sibling
co-worker
church member
Sonic car hop
etc.

Forgive them, and quit wasting time hoping for 'a better past'. You AREN'T going to get it and someday, TODAY will be the past and what a pity to waste it!

We must decrease so HE can increase!

2008-04-25T16:47:00.003-05:00

I've been deeply troubled lately because various and assorted people I care for deeply are having some seriously and serial relationship 'issues'. Every couple is different, every scenario unique. But ultimately, however BIG they seem at the time, they are microscopic in comparison to how big our God is.

My husband and I were discussing it today as I was repeatedly called and texted by one soul who was having a particularly rough day. We vowed to agree in prayer and really seek the Throne of God over this individual and the circumstances in which she finds herself.

Mike mentioned that he was listening to Rev. Ed Young on the radio the other day and he was saying -- and I paraphrase Mike's paraphrase, my apologies to Ed! -- If you're having problems in your marriage, on your job, with your children, with your neighbors, etc. I can tell you what is the root of your problem....SELFISHNESS.

HOW TRUE IS THAT!!?!!!!

Think about it.....have you ever had one single problem with another human that didn't ultimately end up being about selfishness.....yours, theirs or most likely, a combination of the two???

I've been thinking on this every since he said it and tho't, "If only we could all learn to think of ourselves less and others more....."

Then I realized, that's not enough. It might help a little in the here and now, but it won't having any lasting affect. Why...? Because we pitiable humans can't white-knuckle our way into unselfishness. Our best attempts either fail or miserably miss the mark and become self-lessness -- NOT what we need, either!

No, the only way to give our relationships and hope of survival is to put GOD in charge of it ALL. We have to take stock of everything and everyone and place nothing and no one above our relationship with Him.

Everyone who knows me has heard this at least once -- those who really know me hear it weekly! -- expect to see it here OFTEN if you keep coming back to read more.....

Psalm 119:165 "Great peace have they that love thy law and nothing shall offend them."

If we make HIM the focus of our love, we won't find ourselves continuously on the offensive with everyone around us because we will be suffused with GREAT PEACE.

So lets stop taking ourselves so seriously, and start seriously SEEKING Him.

God's Comic Relief: or How I'm Like a 3 lb. Chihuahua

2008-04-19T16:43:00.014-05:00

I am SO clever. I know this. Even if people didn't line up to tell me, I'd instinctively just KNOW it. (That bulge in my cheek is just my tongue, okay, nothing serious.)

And, to further PROVE to me how smart I am, God lets me get into situations where I THINK I have Him all figured out and KNOW what it is He is doing in my life. Okay -- this is where the sarcasm falls away and I must confess....

I am SO wrong, SO often, that I should be ashamed to even spend a nanosecond thinking about what He might be up to! But I just can't help it. It's in my nature -- He made me this way! I'm too analytical for my own good sometimes. In fact, it's caused us (me and Him!) no small amount of anguish along our journey together. So I DO try to not think it all over too much. But, like a lot of my other carnal tendencies, I fail more often than not.

But, undaunted, I don't take it personally -- instead I prefer to think that He is greatly amused to watch me try to figure this out on my own. And, Heaven knows I've spent quite enough of my life displeasing Him in one way or another, it's the least I can do to make Him giggle -- if in fact, God DOES giggle. (I'll analyze that later and get back to you with my tho'ts on that.)

Okay -- so, before I forget, here's how Big Tex figures into this...

She's a robust 3.5 lb Chihuahua that my daughter,

Genevieve, brought home a couple of years ago.

She is a compact little food processing plant -- no fat storage on her! And evidently it takes a LOT of sleep to keep her going. Or, some might say its beauty sleep....And, well, she IS pretty cute.

NOTE: She even OUTSLEEPS our ginormous 17 lb. tabby cat, who bears the uber-masculine name of Kitty Babycat! At least he goes out and roams at night, like any self-respecting (and dutifully neutered) feline.

No, Big Tex usually gets woke up from her evening siesta to crawl under the covers with whichever of us hits the hay first.

When there's no person around to snuggle with, Big Tex will make do with a tan acrylic throw in our family room -- oddly enough, this is my grandson, Desmond's favorite sleep aid, as well, and thus endures a LOT of washing! (Note to self: Keep eyes open for reasonable replacement, lest ye are caught unawares!)

A few nights ago, the throw had been -- as they tend to be -- THROWN onto the large ottoman near my chair and Big Tex was on top of it vigorously working it into a suitable nest for her next snooze. She'd scratch and fluff it this way, then trample it a little, then rake it and pile it that way. Next came an earnest attempt to burrow -- but if it wasn't just right she'd crawl back out and resume her efforts.

Push.

Shove.

Tangle.

Smooth.

A few times she came dangerously close to going over the side and taking the whole of her efforts down with her. Sitting there snickering to myself, I suddenly tho't, "That must be how "I" look to God. Attempting to handle all my trials and tribulations ALL ON MY OWN, instead of letting go and letting Him handle it for me."

See, I've watched Big Tex work at this enough that I know TWO things.

If I intervene and pick up the throw and just casually drop it, it is ALWAYS just what she needed done. She will take it how ever it lands and just settle into it content that someone bigger and more powerful than her knows best.

The very BEST possible scenario, doesn't have anything to do with the throw. It is when I sit where I always sit and allow/invite/encourage her to join me. Because my intimate presence is infinitely preferable to her than any old blanket. My ambient temperature, my pulse, my love expressed by proximity -- or probably a combination of all of that. Either way...she knows that's what's best for her.

So -- God, thank You for every time You reached down and shook out my problems and made my life just what it needed to be for me to once again feel a measure of contentment. But most of all Lord, I thank you that I am always welcome to draw nearer to You and immerse myself in Your presence. Close enough to feel Your heartbeat, Your warmth, Your love will always be the best place for me to be and the knowledge that I am welcome there is enough to sustain me on this Earth.

Soup's On!

2007-12-01T22:31:00.000-06:00

My bedroom is sort of a time warp. It's filled with antiques: personal and acquired, as well as a couple of reproduction pieces that are authentic enough to make me feel good. I've even kept the photos in the room to old black and whites to further enhance the feeling of stepping back in time.

Two such photos frame my bed. Studio portraits of me and one of my husband around 1.5 to 2 years of age. The other morning my GrandDoll, Sloane, and I were having a particularly lazy awakening and she was asking questions about these two pictures....and commenting on how CUTE we both were.

It's true. We were adorable! (Emphasis on past-tense!)

She was asking about which of my kids looked like each photo. Having answered it a bunch of times, I rattled it off. "Well, Bubba looks just like PawPaw did. And Bean looks just like ME. And your mama and Jacob are a good mixture of both."

That whole MIXTURE thing sort of baffled her. So we began a discussion of genetics.

Don't worry, nothing too scientific here. Just a good old NanaRenanlogy!

I asked her what her two favorite soups are. "Tomato Basil and Sirloin Burger". I chuckled because it could've gotten quite disgusting with different possibilities.

"So, what if you couldn't make up your mind which one to eat? So you took a scoop from each pot and put them in the same bowl..."

I had her undivided attention -- the girl LOVES to eat!

"Do you think you could still 'taste' the Tomato Basil soup? And of course you could see the chunks of the Sirloin Burger, right? BUT, in reality, you've made a WHOLE NEW SOUP!"

She grasped that easily enough.

"Well, I proceeded. That's what a baby is like....a scoop of ingredients (called 'genes') from Mom and another from Dad. Only you don't know which one is going to be the Sirloin Burger (The easiest one to spot.) until the baby is born and grows a little."

She was savoring these tho'ts as thoroughly as she might a spoonful of soup.

"Take you for instance. Your father had curly red hair, but you have your mommy's silky blonde hair. In fact, you are exactly like her -- the only part of you that is like your dad is your glasses, your funky second toes and your appetite. SO, guess that makes MOM the Sirloin Burger, huh?"

We then spent another half hour looking through the baby books of her mother, auntie and two uncles -- discussing what features they share and what features got passed down to her and her baby brother.

All in all, it was a fairly thorough lesson. Just wanted to share.

First Post in a 'Coon's Age'....

2007-11-29T21:25:00.001-06:00

Wow. Did a whole MONTH seriously slip past without me posting? Amazing. I fear most people who know me IRL would be quite shocked at me being 'silent' for that long!

But is it really communicating if no one is there to read it?

Is anyone out there?
I don't know.

I type.
I hit PUBLISH POST.

Then what....?

Oh well, I'm going to keep doing it. I'll just look at it as a cyber-journal that possibly only my future descendants will ever bother to actually read. At least I'm leaving something of a spiritual footprint.

Before I log off, for lack of something to say, I just need to tie into my title.

Several years ago I met a recent immigrant from Germany, a woman named Monica. We shared a mutual friend and often ran into each other at this person's house. Monica's English was really quite good, but of course her grasp of colloquialisms left a little to be desired. And being a G.R.I.T.S. through and through, I often lapse into a dixie-fied vernacular without even realizing it.

Once, upon greeting her I trilled, "Why Monica, it's SO good to see you. Why I haven't seen you 'in a Coon's age'? This remark puzzled her and she requested an explanation. Admitting that I had no idea of the actual lifespan of a raccoon, I did the best I could to elucidate the meaning of the phrase.

Imagine my delight when I AGAIN ran into Monica several months later and she said,

"Pam!! I am curious how many raccoons have died

since last I saw you?"

"D" isn't just for Dinosaur

2007-10-28T17:15:00.000-05:00

My husband and I jokingly refer to ourselves as 'dinosaurs'. Not sure how it started, but something about them implies 'antiquity' and 'longevity' at the same time. We are, of course, referring to the fact that we're both still on our FIRST marriage and are coming up on THIRTY years! (Okay, 29 next June, but still....you get my point.)

I don't want to launch a debate on the 'right' or 'wrong' of divorce. There are TOO many variables to even BEGIN to sort that out.....he said/she said....external influences....internal issues....spiritual walks or the lack thereof....children or the lack thereof....allergies, algorithms, and other accoutrements! Just too much.

But, just because I haven't experienced it first hand, doesn't mean I've never felt the ripple effect. In fact, depending on where you are in relationship-proximity to the primary parties, it can be a tsunami...mowing down and hurting everyone in the path. Friendships are maimed or lost. Extended families are ripped from their foundations and can never again be what they once were.

Just some really ugly stuff.

And I take it personally.

Because that's just the kind of caring, involved dinosaur I am. As I plod through life, for I would surely be a plodding SAURt of -saurus!!, I can't help but grieve when I see someone else's marriage come to an end. Whether its a close relative or friend or some celebrity I'll never meet. (YES, I admit it, I cried when Nick and Jessica split up.) I see it all as a soft, steady, slow erosion of "family life" as we know it.

Many years ago, I clipped a cartoon of a battered little boy running in from a playground scuffle and confronting his parents, "Johnny said ya'll are MARRIED! It's not TRUE is it?" At the time, I tho't this was a nod toward the growing trend of unwed mothers. But now I see it fulfilled in children who've had multiple step-parents and step and half siblings.

My oldest's first boyfriend, after meeting Mike and I, asked her "So which one is your REAL parent?" She had to ask what he meant and ultimately had to convince him that we were, in fact, BOTH her parents and had been married only to each other since before she was born. I was amazed that divorce had become so commonplace that people EXPECTED you to have been divorced.

So, where am I going with this grab bag of metaphors and analogies? No where really, just expressing a personal sadness.

I KNOW that marriage is HARD work.
I KNOW that no one sets out to 'fail'.
I KNOW it takes TWO to make it work and TWO to ruin it.
I KNOW that anyone can fall into a situation that appears hopeless.
I know, I know, I know....

I just wish it didn't have to be. I pray for everyone I know, that they can hang in there, humble themselves, cling to one another and make it work -- for the sake of their families, friends and society at large.

Yes, The Hat IS 4 Real!!!

2007-10-08T21:47:00.000-05:00

I love hats. I mean LOVE hats. REALLY love hats. In fact, hats are right up there (down there?) with SHOES and PURSES as my favorite accessories.

"The ability to accessorize is what separates us from the animals" -- Miss Claree Belcher in 'Steel Magnolias' (Don't you just know she would LOVE an aubergine cloche??)

But I digress.

I love hats to the point that I envy Kentucky Derby attendees, every female in the British royal family and my precious black sisters in the Lord who love hats as much as I do. I've even threatened to move to England or join a black church just to be in the company of great hat-wearers!

In fact, being completely melanin-challenged, I even thought .... NAY! HOPED that as skin cancer awareness grew, that hats would come back in vogue. I guess it could still happen, but all I see proliferating are tanning salons on every corner. Whereas, unlike melanoma, which you can purchase for $24.99 a month by bank draft, the retail safari for great hats is a bit more challenging.

Especially if you have a ginormous head like me! I'm even considering taking classes in hat making!!! Who knows, I could be the next Kate Spade or Vera Wang of CHAPEAUX!!!!

But I digress....

I have about 8 'dressy' hats, a bunch more casual hats and even a few vintage hats. (Oh, if only my mother would have left me as many HATS as she did twist-ties from bread wrappers!!!) I wear my hats with semi-regularity. Mostly to church on Sunday mornings. And not for the most obvious reason -- not ALL hat days are ALSO "bad hair days". In fact.....my hair is pretty long and it is actually MORE complicated arranging it to either fit INSIDE the crown of a hat or underneath the brim than it is to just FIX MY HAIR and go!! But, its no big sacrifice. Did I mention that I LOVE hats??

Every time I DO wear a hat I consistently get compliments. Now I tell myself that these are not just 'condolence' compliments of the "lets-just-humor-the-poor-soul" variety. And if you know otherwise, please keep it to yourself and leave me in my delusion as long as possible, okay?

What amuses me most is the two predominant remarks that always accompany those compliments....

"I wish I could wear hats." -- To which I can't resist responding, "Well, you have a HEAD, don't you? I'm pretty sure that is the only requirement!"
"I don't think I look good in hats." -- At that, I always confess, "I don't wear them because I 'think I look good' in them. I wear them because I love them." I mean, seriously -- if we were restricted to ONLY that in which we look good -- well....most of us would never leave the house!

At LAST An Analogy!

2007-09-28T00:15:00.000-05:00

So, you've probably been wondering -- where are all these great analogies, HUH, Nana....????!!?!??

Okay....get off my back. Here's one...

In preparation for my recent WLS surgery, (and the subsequent Desmond-less state -- for those who don't know about Dez....well, he deserves a post all his own!) I picked up some boredom-buster sorts of things. I knew I wouldn't be able to enjoy my studio, because it's been neglected too long and been the hazardous waste dump for all the OTHER rooms of the house....

You know how it goes....

"Hey, Honey (or Mama)....? What do you want me to do with THIS?" ....asked my some quasi-helpful loved one bearing a handful or an armful or a wheelbarrow-full of UFOs (Unidentifiable Frivolous Objects).

To which the standards response is a "Put it in my studio.", neatly trimmed with bookend SIGHS.

" Put it in my studio. "

The first sign translates as "Why don't they ever JUST ONCE think what they might do with it WITHOUT asking me?" and the second sign -- eversomuch more sincere reads "Good grief, but there's going to be a ton of crud for me to deal with when I finally HAVE to go face it!"

But I digress......

I bought a puzzle at Dollar Tree. I LOVE jigsaw puzzles. Love them.

This one, however, is kickin' my rather expansive backside!!! Only a thousand pieces....a rose-covered mansion or manor house.... with too much greenery and granite. Ack!! Then add in the fact that Dez tries to dissect it for me at least once a week!!! Phooey!

But here's the analogy.....I was sitting up late one Saturday night, working on this puzzle. I'd picked one piece up, literally hundreds of times, and studied it against the photo on the box. (BTW -- the savings that made it a $1 item to begin with is that there's no accuracy between the borders of the photo and the actual borders of the puzzle!!! Aggravating!!) I was utterly convinced that that particular piece did NOT belong in this puzzle. I've never been to a puzzle packing plant -- and have no idea how their packaged, but this piece HAD to have jumped ship and landed in the wrong box.

The next morning, I was waiting on my husband to meet me at the car for the ride to church. I happened to walk over to the puzzle, once again picking up that odd-shaped and seemingly miscolored piece, when I looked down and saw a spot --- could it? --- naw, couldn't be!!! -- sure enough. It FIT!

Amazing!

Then a short while later, the guest speaker read a passage as he began his message. A scripture so familiar I could quote from memory. And one that held no particular meaning to me, other than it's inclusion in the Word of God. Then he began to expound on it and BAM!!! could it be? -- did he know? -- WOW!!! Just like the puzzle piece, this scripture FIT MY LIFE....what I was going through at that very moment.

And the analogy was born...

You can stare at something repeatedly, but it remains unnoticed or unimportant until it suddenly becomes significant in your life. Once it has meaning and can plug in.....then everything is neatly fit together and shows you that YOUR perspective of the big picture is skewed. But God sees the beginning from the end. He knows what you're going to be going through -- so much so that He had just the answer you need penned centuries before you were born, knowing full well when, where and how badly you would need it.

Isn't He wonderful?

Run Mad If You Must, But Do Not Faint!

2007-09-27T23:26:00.000-05:00

Ah, and once again I blog.

See, this is part of what intimidated me before. I'm an "all or nothing" personality. I want to do something right, and to the utmost, and EVERY DAY or I don't think I'm doing it justice.

They say it takes 17 days to form a habit -- or is it 21? I forget. Point is, all my 'habits' are BAD HABITS because each is a product of NOT doing what I should have been doing for 17 days straight.

From making my bed to sticking to a diet to keeping a diary to BLOGGING. I don't think I've ever done anything for 17 straight days without flubbing it up, slacking off or shutting down -- except to eat, breathe and sleep, that is. It's not for lack of desire. Nor is it about commitment. It's about LIFE always seeming to get in the way.

Like a child, I reward my exercise efforts by putting a smilie sticker on my calendar every day that I walk. In many, many, many past attempts, I get discouraged if there is a blank square on the page -- with nary a smile to cheer it up. Well, so freakin' what!?!?!

Will my children or grandchildren look back 30, 40, 50 years from now and say, "Nana was a great ol' gal, but too bad she couldn't stick to that resolution to get more exercise EVERY DAY that she lived and breathed. If she had, she might've lived an extra year. Of course, 8 months of that would have been curled in a fetal position with a drool cloth tucked under her face. Poor thing! Just wasn't any good ad making GOOD habits. Couldn't even blog regularly!"

Well....knowing my gang, maybe......

LOL

Just kiddin', guys!!

Heck no! It won't matter one whit on down the road!

So, I'm not going to right myself off as a failed blogger if I go a few days......or weeks.......or even months without posting. It's not like ya'll are gonna forget about me, is it?

So -- I mentioned life getting in the way. The last two weeks it hasn't even been MY life that was in crisis-mode. Not that it isn't always, at some level, chaotic. No, it was the trials and tribulations of those I love that caused the upheaval. And sadly, those trials were also CAUSED by someone I love. Someone who seemed to have forgotten what it was that made them so lovable once.

Its like I always tell my children, "The only thing you can do about people like that is not become one of them." So...I leave you with a quote.....speaks to me of things far more important than whether or not you and I blog, or exercise or floss every day.....

"Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight:

always to try to be a little kinder than necessary."

-- Sir James M. Barrie

Who am I again??

2007-08-24T16:22:00.000-05:00

No, it's not Alzheimer's yet. Altho' at times.....

nevermind.

The other day, I read a message on a church sign, that I've been mulling over:

"WHAT YOU DO IS WHO YOU ARE"

The possibilities are overwhelming if you think about it. But ultimately, boil it all down....it is true. Much more accurate than "You are what you eat!" We are, a cumulative product of what we do in life.

Some of it is rolled up in 'role play'. We all start out the same: CHILD. Son, daughter, a sibling or a solo....none of us get here full grown, and from birth on, we are constantly fulfilling SOME role in SOMEONE'S life until the day we die -- and then we fill a box and a nicely dug hole.

Between those oh-so-common beginnings and endings. There are many paths we might take -- with a variety of roles to play. Some of mine are wife, friend, mother, sister, sister-in-law, aunt, neighbor, co-worker.....

you get the point.

But more than those roles we ARE, are the quantity of things we DO. How do THEY shape us?

~I worship. It's been a circuitous and sometimes tumultuous route, but I am more content and at peace in the Lord than ever before in my life. I no longer pretend to know what it is He is doing in my life or predict what He is going to do next. I have blissfully surrendered and submitted. I worship Him along and above all others and we're just cool like that.

~I write; and therefore, here, you read me. This makes me choosy about word choices (btw -- I'm choosy about peanut butter, too, and SOO glad that Peter Pan has returned to my supermarket shelf!!!!) and tone and intent and point of view.

~I create. It is my deepest belief that because we are "created in His image", and He is a creator of beautiful things, He 'installed' a CREATE 1.0 program in each of us. And that we each should find something to do with out hands to make the world a more beautiful place, or bring a smile to faces.....even if it is only our own. (A favorite topic, I'll ramble on about this at length in future blogspots. So -- I am happier and more contented and more rested if I allow myself that perfect little pleasure of MAKING something with my hands. I sew, I crochet, I scrapbook, I craft, I mosaic, I paint, I decorate, I garden, I cook, etc. And despite the fact that a few of those things have brought me a profit, I still don't think I do any of them particularly well. But one thing I have learned is that I NEED to do something.

~I love. I was brought up without many outward displays of love and it took me a good deal of time to figure out how to be decent at it. I'm still making up for lost time. I try not to let a single day slip past without telling my husband and children that I love them.

~I laugh. I LOVE to laugh and laugh often. I am easily amused and entertained. I believe in the quote, "A day without laughter is like a day without sunshine." I enjoy sharing and receiving humor.

~I feel. I had the task of trying to explain the word 'sympathy' to my GrandDoll the other day. Most simply, it's what SHE is. Always able to feel for others and what they might be experiencing. A special gift in a child. I'm not sure if I was anything like that as a child...but I know I am now. In any situation I can put myself in another's shoes and imagine their plight in life. I don't ever want to lose that.

So, Who am I again?

Oh, yeah, I'm that worshipful, loving, laughing, creating, writer person -- with the hat collection. "Nana Renan"

How did I get here?

2007-08-21T11:55:00.000-05:00

Still tagging on to yesterday's tho't, I'm pondering the abrupt creation of 'Nana Renanalogies.'

For so long I found it an interesting personal paradox.

On the one hand, the idea of writing something and posting it -- OUT THERE -- FOREVER -- for all the Universe to see -- seemed incredibly pretentious to me. Sort of like chattering to hear oneself speak, yet expecting everyone to want to listen.

(Don't get defensive, this isn't a judgement, just my personal perception.)

And on the other hand, I've never had the slightest hesitation turning any captive audience into hostages with my thoughts, opinions and anecdotes. I've been accused -- and rightfully so -- of having chronic verbal diarrhea. And it's not limited to the unlucky customer in the check-out line or patient in the doctor's waiting room or the poor unfortunate soul stuck next to me in the airline seat.

No, I'm equally confident in text. Was a HUGE pen pal letter writer -- back in the day. And transitioned effortlessly to cyberspace a dozen years ago this month. Chat rooms were okay, email was better -- but bulletin boards and ultimately FORUMS!!! Ahhhhh....I love it. (Chances are, if you're reading this, we probably met on a forum!)

Unlike email, the absence of a response does not bear with it the sting of a rejection. Because ultimately someone will respond...or the thread dies. Of course, a stroll through the archived pages of threads in my most frequent haunts will reveal me as a prolific thread killer. Not to fear -- my ego always manages to persuade me that is because I often sum up a thought or idea so succinctly and eloquently that no one feels the need to elaborate on it. (It HAS to be that, right? Otherwise, I might start to think that I've just beat-a-dead-horse no one else cares to look at any longer.)

So -- how did I finally come to terms with those two hands and bring them together to type out this blog....?

Maybe its just that I'm at a pivotal point in my life right now.
Maybe its time to start recording my own tho'ts on the topics of my choice rather than latching onto whatever flavor someone else threw out there.
Maybe its time to blend WHO I AM in all my different roles into one entity to present to the world.
Maybe I've finally overcome the urge to be different things to different people and be true to who I am all of the time, without fear of rejection.

Ah.....that last one was a biggie! Expect more on that.....another day.

Debut Blog

2007-08-20T15:18:00.000-05:00

I have this sensation of that herky-jerky ride up the first hill of a rollercoaster, only I'm blinded by a white text box and choked by my own FOTU. Then I remember -- it's only a BLOG, for pity's sake!! There are FIVE YEAR OLDS who blog.

So, [deep-cleansing breath] HERE I GO!

"Today I am a blogger!"

Fear Of The Unknown -- isn't it funny how that didn't used to be something you were aware of? Oh, it was there. You just didn't recognize it for what it was. Now, I see that familiar 'presence' around every corner.

Egads!! "How LONG has that been there watching me, waiting for me to...

mess up
embarrass myself
do irreparable damage to someone or something I love
fall flat on my face
FAIL

There -- I said it. Biggest, ugliest "F" word there ever was. FAIL

Well guess what -- prettier, smarter, richer people than me fail every day. And they do just what I intend to do -- get up, dust myself off and try again.

If you fail 10 times, stand up 11. is a favorite signature line of mine.

I'm going to use it like a sword to conquer the FOTU that's been standing between me and having a really cool blog

Welcome to Nana Renanalogies.